Peace in the Kingdom, a Fairy Tale? A Legend of Game of War, by HarryCubed
The following is the tale of how Leg Humper became a Legend of Game of War.
In a galaxy, far, far away, in a land called Dahae there was a small stronghold 12 with a hero named Leg Humper.
Leg Humper led a happy, but boring life, as the other town folk always told him to NEVER attack till you get the next tier of troops.
“But I just want to try it out to see what happens”
“No. You’re not ready.”
And so it went on for months.
The Bigs, as we called them back then, were the ruling alliances and always seemed to bicker over kingdom rules, including farming within 20 tiles of the forest being off limits to anyone but the biggest of players, etc. I was in a small town, rarely affected by these rules. But every so often, a big bad wolf would come rolling in and kill off all the livestock. This big bad wolf was named Dahae Fighter.
He was a widely feared monster, but also respected for his fighting prowess. He was the guy that others would say “I hate him, but I wish he was on my team.” Players 2-3 even 4 times his size would actually be in fear when he showed up on their doorstep, locking their doors and hiding inside was often their only defense.
One day, after asking every day if he could attack someone, Leg Humper was finally told “Ok, go ahead” and given a target the townsfolk deemed “Safe”
Leg Humper marched with his troops, 45 minutes away. staring at the screen, waiting for someone to attack him during the march, or some random monster bunny rabbit to jump up and kill his troops. His heart raced for 45 minutes, while the townsfolk just laughed at how excited and nervous he was.
When the march finally hit, that small pause between the “fight” and the “Burn” seemed to take an eternity, like an evil witch cast a spell and slowed down time. But the flames shot up, and there was much rejoicing in the land.
His understanding of the world outside of that little town was limited. There were scary things out there. Like Dreaded Red and Willy Wonka, and Pandas, and the ghost of some dude named “L O R D”. There were many dangers out there, and he was warned he shouldn’t go exploring too far away from home or he may meet one of them.
Fast forward a few months, To a time where Leg Humpers town had been adopted by the D family for a while, with the town leader Sarg, making connections with the Bigs to make sure they were all protected. They rejoiced that we were part of a BIG family, but as time wore on, they realized they were more of the Cinderella of the family.They were never given a say in any political decisions, often ignored or talked over, and when D asked them to send them their strongest players, they did so, without hesitation, but also with out anything in return. After a while, they grew tired of this and looked to leave the D family and do their own thing, their own way.
Over time, people came to his town and others left. Sarg had contracted some sort of venereal disease that caused a psychotic break, and when he left with a few other townsfolk, Kemp0 took over leadership of their fair town. One of their townsfolk, Strombrngr, had decided that he needed to focus back on his life outside of Dahae. (He called it real life, none of them understood this concept.), and sold his home to Eternal Zen. In one of Leg Humper’s first attempts at politics in this game, he reached out to Zen to see if he’d be interested in keeping his home in Leg Humper’s alliance and living with them there. He seemed legitimately interested, but declined because of this other independent alliance he really liked. Leg Humper asked him to perhaps set up a meet between the important people in each of the two alliances.
We met in a tavern in neutral territory and much beer and wine and drunken singing occurred. There was plenty of pomp and circumstance, with a pig roast and dancing ladies. Everyone dressed in their finest “show off” regalia. They met the others, and they met Leg Humper. Leg Humper, Mr Sarcasm, 1989-2015 running. Leg Humper. And they tolerated Leg Humper, but also saw a benefit of taking their two alliances and merging the players into one larger stronger alliance, giving them the strength to stand on their own without the BIGS. They agreed to have their two alliances merge together by arranging a marriage, but no one was willing to marry Leg Humper, so they moved on without another word about it. They didn’t want to get involved in the rule making in the kingdom, nor fight in the Bigs wars, they just wanted to play the fun game they had and enjoy the other townsfolk. They agreed that an equal number of members from each of the former towns would be the “R4 Round Table” with no real single leader. Decisions were made with maximum perspectives and input from all of the R4s, with no one person holding their opinion in a higher position than any others. This worked very well.
They merged and left the D family. (Sending an emissary to the D Family leader, Dreaded Red, but that emissary never returned…..) D Family barely even noticed until they realized that the floor was getting dusty. We enjoyed being MGd, and we played what we called “The MGd Way” which was to stay out of the politics, fight only the wrongs of the land of Dahae and leave the others alone. When one of them was attacked, they helped each other out, rather than waiting or hoping for others to come save them. It was around this time that a young scribe by the name of Darkthorne showed up on the borders of our town, and we liked him immediately, and brought him into our town.
They supported and grew together, and every so often, they’d say to each other “We should look for new active people to join our little town.” Leg Humper and others began to worry about genetic diversity…..But really, only an occasional wanderer would pass by and say “Sure, I’ll live here. Seems nice.”
Time passed and it was a mostly happy time. Staying out of the BIGS politics and war was exactly what they did, with one exception. DF had decided that no one was off limits (Despite their earlier declaration of “If you leave “The D Family” you would be left alone”, they didn’t keep their word. DF kept showing up at our doorsteps, or our town borders and burning all of our livestock and farms, killing any farmers they could find. The people of MGD grew tired of this, but with such a large alliance as DF, there was little they could do……..unless somehow, the odds could be evened…..
Then, in many people’s opinion, (And this event was even picked up and put on the TMZ website, but was soon taken down when they realized it was MZ that ran GOW, not TMZ, a fortunate typo) one of the greatest moments in Dahae History, a TURNING POINT in the world events as they knew them, something big happened. An event that changed the course of the future of all things that truly mattered.
One of the round table knights, Mopar Lar, looked around at the rag-tag group of misfits he had nearby, looked in his fanny pack at the gear he had crafted, and looked out the window off in the distance at the throne that sat atop Mount “Dahae Forest”. There was much fighting going on there between the BIGS, as the smoke billowed up into the sky. He quietly said to the table…”Anyone want to go take the wonder?” Things you DIDN’T hear at the table? “What? We’re like the 8th biggest city, we can’t? The bigs are fighting, just let them fight. We could never beat DF”
What you DID hear was “Ok”
Pop…Pop….POP POP POP….people disappeared and teleported to the forest next to the wonder. There, they had a front row seat to witness the BIGS playing war at the wonder. With DF (Their mortal enemies, as since they’d left the D Family, DF was the ONLY rival alliance to attack them.) and others dueling and fighting, back and forth, Mopar, “The Wise”. Mopar, “The Powerful”, Mopar, the Adequate Communicator. He stood up, stretched out his arms, tilted his head from side to side, opened his fanny pack, and took out his gear. As he put on his gear, they just stood ready, watching, some had to wipe the frothy saliva from their mouths as they were really excited about this. Mopar declared he was ready and held his sword up high. They all jumped in line right behind him and began their march to the wonder. DF was holding it. Then they reached the Throne, and as they spread out to fight, a few months worth of battle being sped up in their minds to just a few seconds, they stood proudly and looked around as all the surviving DF troops turned and ran. MGd, Mad Guardians of Dahae, had defeated the evil empire DF. A stunned silence fell over all of Dahae as they stood there, holding our swords up high (and Leg Humper, holding his War Pillow of Death up high!) Occasionally signing autographs for some of the kids in the area.
“How did you do it?” They asked.
“We have Mopar” was the easy response. (Only because it was less syllables than “We have Leg Humper”. I have a theory that people are inherently SO lazy, that despite taste, things with less syllables are more requested and therefore more “popular” than things with MORE syllables. Coke more popular than Pepsi, Sprite more than 7Up, Dr Pepper and Mountain Dew don’t compete with the big boys despite their obvious superior tastes. So, “We have Mopar” being 20% shorter than “We have Leg Humper” was the most often reason given for why they won.)
As Mopar sat there on his throne, over looking all those in the forest, he got a message from Kuwait Wolf. No one knows exactly what the message said, as Mopar ate it after reading it. (Most likely only because he was hungry after all the battling), but Mopar said “We’re going to vacate the throne to Kuwait Wolf as he says he will hold it to stop all the fighting over it. No one would attack him. They all listened to Mopar and picked up their stuff and left. Happy with themselves about the victory. Telling bigger and bigger tales of the battle they had just won. More wonder battles would happen in MGDs future, but that moment, that single moment in history, changed the face of the Kingdom of Dahae forever. After that moment, Suddenly, MGD was invited to join the BIGS in the main dining hall, when all they were ever allowed to do previously was eat in the horse stables and share the leftover vegetables with the livestock.
This rag-tag, thrown-together town of rejects from former alliances had come together and done the greatest thing anyone had ever seen. They’d done the impossible. They had truly overcome the greatest of odds. They…….had gotten to meet Leg Humper, a legend of Game of War. And there was much rejoicing in the land.
End of Part 1 of a Legend of Game of War.
Other stories written by HarryCubed: