What They Don’t Know, Won’t Hurt Them!

So you decided to play the Game of War? The game that you were told was free…..

It only takes you a short time to realize that it’s difficult to be competitive in Game of War, unless you spend some money. First you buy the $4.99 pack, next you’re buying is the $9.99 pack, then the $19.99 pack and before you know it, you’re buying $99 packs just trying to be a little competitive with your online friends. Initially your “significant other”, in my case my loving and understanding wife, shakes their head and tells you that you’re stupid. Of Course, you agree as you confirm your next purchase. You explain to them you’re having fun with your friends that you’ve never met before and have never really spoken too in real life. They only shake their head in more disbelief.

The day comes when your significant other says;  “What are all these charges coming through the iTunes account, the Amazon account, the credit card, and the checking account?”. You brush them off as no big deal, but the next month bank statement shows that you spent a few hundred dollars more playing the “stupid” game.

Your spouse can’t grasp that you’re not purchasing something physical and thinks it’s outlandish that you’re spending all this money on “air”! You make some quick promises to avoid a knockdown fight and being completely banished from the bedroom. You promise; “Of course dear, I won’t spend anymore money and I will just play for free” (fingers crossed).

So now comes the big deception! How do you hide your new addiction? How do I buy more packs without starting a holy war at home? You start scheming how to funnel money into this new obsession without your better half knowing about it. Mums’ the word and don’t look suspicious!!

After hours of contemplation, a full-proof plan is hatched.  It’s flawless in your mind and there is no way your spouse will every figure it out! You tell them that you’re going to the grocery store to get milk and eggs for a nice Sunday brunch that you’re going too cook for them in the morning. You jump into the car and immediately take a detour to the ATM for a little cash withdrawal. Not too much, you don’t want to look too suspicious. Everyone needs some free cash in his or her pocket, just in case.

Next, you drive over to the local super market to buy gift cards so you can use them on iTunes. It’s a good plan, leaving no paper trail leading back to that nasty habit, Game of War. You make your gift card selection and make a passing comment to the cashier that it’s someone’s Birthday. You glance around hoping you do not run into anyone you know that could tip off your spouse. You dash out of the store to your car, parked in the far corner of the parking lot, and immediately peel the sticker to reveal the secret redemption code. You scan the gift card with your phone into your account to get immediate credit and gratification. The deed is almost done!  You quickly boot-up the game on you phone, looking for that fantastic pack that you have been gazing at every time you login. Eureka! Pack purchased, mission accomplished!!

You drive home thinking about how to use all the new “stuff” that was in the pack. You contemplate how to best utilize the speeds and resources to maximize your research and your troop building. Everyone lookout, you’re shortly going to be the new terror of the kingdom!

As you pull into the driveway, you see your spouse out with the dogs and you causally glance down at the passenger seat and your heart stops!  Damn, the spent gift card is laying there for all to see. Panic sets over your body with a shiver, as your reach over and stuff the gift card into your pocket. Disaster adverted!

At this point you’re pretty damn proud of yourself, and you know your real calling should have been a secret agent.  You get out of the car and give your spouse a peck on the cheek, and then they reach for your arm and pull off a little gray sticky and they say; What’s this? You gasp, and realize that it’s the tape you peeled off to reveal the secret code to redeem your gift card.  Your mind is now moving at light speed trying to come up with and plausible answer. You respond; “I have no idea dear”, as you take the tape from them and stick into your pocket and immediately change the subject……  Another disaster adverted!

You run to the refrigerator and grab a beer and sit in your big cushy chair ready for a long night of researching and troop building, knowing for sure that you will score big in next KVK.  And of course your spouse has no idea that you just dropped another $100 on the “stupid” game!   Until…… They callout from the kitchen and ask; “Where’s the milk and eggs?…….. Damn, I knew I forgot something.

-K106 (MGd) Fabdog

GOW in BASIC Terminology

When I was a kid, I remember my first book that allowed me to CHOOSE where I went next cave_of_time , what decision I make would make me turn to a certain page in the book and would make the story my own. When I was a young teenager, I got a ZX81 computer with 2k of on-board memory and a 16K expansion pack, zx81_upgraded plus a cassette tape player for inputting the single game it came with, some weird Star Trek Battleship type game than asked for “Target Coordinates” and you’d input 10, 15 or something and you’d get a message back saying you missed or you “Blew up the Klingon Ship”. I typed LIST and was amazed at the program that did all this amazing stuff to my computer! I made my first change to the program by changing “Klingon Ship” to “Mom’s Car” and I was hooked. I played with the program, finding more enjoyment in the programming of my little computer than the game itself (and later my COMMODORE 64! BEAST! commodore-64 ) I thought combining the “Choice Book” and a little computer programming and make a nice little blog for you. For those of you who don’t know how to read programming, follow it as best you can by going to the LINE numbers when directed. GOTO is a permanent (You are now here, keep going from here now) and GOSUB is temporary, returning from where you originated when you see RETURN. WHILE “Loops” do the things listed after it till the condition is satisfied, and WEND ends that section that’s repeated. A REM statement is a REMARK or a REMINDER for the programmer to add to help decipher things later. Other than that, I hope you enjoy. If not, GOTO 5000 ELSE (I am the great “Leg Humper”=”harrycubed”  Kingdom=106 Alliance=”MGd” Awesomeness=(YourAwesomeness * 50) + 1)


10 REM A BASIC guide to playing Game of War Try to follow along and follow directions. I wrote this fast and it’s nowhere NEAR a nice neat flowing program. This will also give you a tiny insight into how my mind works. Like a bag full of cats you let out in a room full of mice…..

20 Print “Do you want to play a game? (Y/N)” do-you-want-to-play-a-game


30 IF Input$=”N” Then GOTO 5000

40 Print “Welcome to the first moment of your new life.”

50 Print “Do you want to play for 1) World Domination 2) Be Competitive 3) Support others in their war efforts 4) Just have fun and socialize 5) I don’t plan on spending or chatting much in game, so why does it matter? ”





100 GOTO 5000


1000 REM WORLD DOMINATION! You WILL NOT SLEEP TILL YOU HAVE WON GAME OF WAR! Who needs friends? Who needs social interaction in real life? Who needs to remember to feed their cat? YOU! Go feed your cat now! sad-cat

1010 WHILE BankBalance>0

1020 GOSUB 9900

1030 WEND

1040 PRINT “Do you have several friends who are as serious about helping you spend a TON of money on this account and be able to run it 24-7 because you all live in multiple time zones spread around the world? (Y/N)”


1050 IF INPUT$=”Y” GOSUB 6969

1060 IF Account<=MaxAccount THEN GOTO 1000

1070 IF MZBlog=NewResearchReleased THEN GOSUB 9900

1080 IF YourEgo<=MaxEgo THEN GOTO 1000

1090 IF RealLifeFriends>=1 THEN GOTO 5000

1100 IF SuperWonder=Open THEN GOSUB 6000

1110 GOSUB 6500

1120 GOTO 1000


2000 REM Be Competitive in GOW a.k.a. MZs best customer


2010 WHILE SomeoneElsesAccount>YourAccount

2020 GOSUB 9900

2030 WEND

2040 IF MZBlog=NewResearchReleased THEN GOTO 2010

2050 TrainMoreTroops=Yes

2060 DoMoreResearch=Yes

2070 DoMoreBuildings=Yes

2080 DoMoreBuildingBoosts=Yes

2090 MakeMoreHeroGear=Yes

2100 MakePotions=Yes

2110 KillMonstersForBoosts=Yes

2120 GOTO 2010


3000 REM Wants to play but spend only a small amount. Spend only on what’s needed. a.k.a. MZs best customer.


3010 Print “Do you have enough troops to go unshielded during combat? (Y/N)”


3020 IF INPUT$=”N” GOSUB 9900

3030 Print “Do you have enough research done to go unshielded during combat? (Y/N)”


3040 IF INPUT$=”N” GOSUB 9900

3050 Print “Do you have enough building boosts to go unshielded during combat? (Y/N)”


3060 IF INPUT$=”N” GOSUB 9900

3070 Print “Are your troops high enough level to go unshielded during combat? (Y/N)”


3080 IF INPUT$=”N” GOSUB 9900

3090 Print “Do you have the right troops to join the rally leaders rally? (Y/N)”


3100 IF INPUT$=”N” GOSUB 9900

3110 Print “Do you have enough boosts and potions to go unshielded during combat? Y/N)”


3120 IF INPUT$=”N” GOSUB 9900

3130 PRINT “Now that you’ve done all this work, do you still just want to fill, or perhaps something more? (S=Same M=More)

3140 If INPUT$=”S” THEN GOTO 3000

3150 WHILE LeaderStrength<=Ideal

3160 GOSUB 9900

3170 WEND

3180 GOTO 2000


4000 REM Don’t plan on spending in this game?! BAHAHAHA


4010 PRINT “Is your online personality as entertaining, funny, intelligent, engaging, and devastatingly handsome as Leg Humper? (Y/N)”67052805

4020 IF INPUT$=”Y” THEN GOSUB 5500

4030 Print “Did you buy a pack yet? (Y/N)”

4040 IF INPUT$=”N” THEN GOSUB 9900

4050 GOTO 50


5000 REM Why did you even bother downloading this game, or reading this blog/program for that matter?

5010 Print “Go download FARMVILLE”

5020 END


5500 REM This one thinks they’re as great as Leg Humper


5510 PRINT “BAHAHAHAHAHA! No…..Just no.”

5520 PRINT “BAHAHAHAHAHA! No…..Just no.”

5530 PRINT “BAHAHAHAHAHA! No…..Just no.”

5540 PRINT “BAHAHAHAHAHA! No…..Just no.”

5550 PRINT “BAHAHAHAHAHA! No…..Just no.”



6000 REM Super Wonder Open

6001 REM HoursSWisOpen should be set to 72 for a 3 day event.

6010 PRINT “Are you going for EMPORER (Y/N)?

6020 IF INPUT$=”N” THEN GOTO 6500

6030 BoostedSets=HoursSWisOpen

6040 Potions=Max

6050 FrontRowOfSW=AMust

6060 MarchSizeBoost=HoursSWisOpen

6070 MarchSpeedBoost=HoursSWisOpen

6080 3Banners=HoursSWisOpen

6090 Friends=24TimeZonesCoveredAndShiftsToRunAccountWithLogInsDespiteTheFactThatMZProhibitsSharingOfAccountLogInDetails

6100 AttackBoost= HoursSWisOpen

6110 DebuffBoosts= HoursSWisOpen

6120 BehemouthBoosts= HoursSWisOpen

6130 MilestoneBoosts= HoursSWisOpen

6140 SetMarchOnWonder=Yes

6150 HopeItFillsInOneMinute=Yes

6160 PressAttack=Yes

6170 Wait=Yes


6190 RushInReinforcements=YES

6200 IF TooTiredToKeepEyesOpen=Yes THEN HandOffToFriendWhoIsHopefullyReadyAndAbleToRunThisBeastAndWinGloryForYouAndWillingToNotCareThatTheyGetNoGloryForThemselvesDespiteTheirHardWorkWhileYouSleep

6210 If SuperWonderIsFinallyOver THEN GOTO 6800

6220 GOTO 6060


6500 REM Rally Filler a.k.a. “Support Staff that gets little to no glory”

6510 ClickOnRally=Yes

6520 ClickOnTroopsSlot=Yes

6530 ClickOnVipAdd=Yes

6540 ClearErrorMessage=yes

6550 ClickOnDierentTroopSlot=Yes

6560 ClickOnVipAdd=Yes

6570 ClickOnSend=Yes

6580 RealizeYouDidntPortCloser=Yes

6590 SwearOutLoudSoPeopleWonderWhatsWrongButDontActuallyWantToKnow=Yes

6600 SpeedUpTroopMarch=Yes

6601 IF Bladder=FULL GOTO Bathroom

6602 IF Stomach=Empty GOTO FridgeToMakeSandwhich

6603 IF Brain=Fried GOTO Bed

6604 IF Bored=Yes GOTO 5000

6610 IF Win=Yes THEN CheerOutLoudAndInChat=Yes

6620 IF Win=No THEN PickOnRallyLeaderForLosingHeroAndAllYourTroopsYouTrustedThemWith=Yes

6630 IF NewRallyLeaderStepsUp=Yes THEN GOTO 6500

6640 IF OriginalRallyLeaderGetsHeroBackSomehow=Yes THEN GOTO 6500

6650 Goto 6620


6800 REM SUPERWONDER IS OVER! Over the course of 3 days I spent 8 minutes longer in the SW than anyone else did!

6801 REM Geekmath: 72 hours=4320 Minutes=259,200 seconds. In that time, you could do any or even all of the following

6802 REM Teach a kid the alphabet. And the song. And a few words.

6803 REM Help a friend move into a new house. Drink lots of beer. Watch all 6 seasons of Game Of Thrones, and still have 12 hours left to sleep. Or search the internet for season 7 spoilers.

6804 REM Have Sex approximately 400 times with a 10 minute recovery time.  OR Have sex just once….but do it REALLY right!

6805 REM Find a job, learn to do it well, impress your coworkers with your GOW stories.

6806 REM Learn to ride a horse. Disassemble a carburetor, and call someone who knows what they’re doing to reassemble it for you.

6807 REM If it takes approximately 2 minutes to march to SW and you hold for 10 seconds, and a 30 second march back for your hero with speedups, reset rally, 1 minute to fill, repeat, then you could march approximately 1200 rallies, and hold for 12,000 seconds, 3 1/3 hours over 3 days. Our last emperor held for 5 hours or so, so congrats on that!

6807 REM More geek math. In 1200 rallies, if you lose an average of HALF your rally, sometimes losing all, sometimes winning, that’s 1200×30,000,000/2=18,000,000,000 t5 Troops lost by our Emperor and her team. WOW!

6810 CollectNewItemFromInventory=Yes

6820 PutOnNewItemFromWinningSuperWonder=Yes

6830 TakeScreenshotsOfYourHeroWearingNewItemFromWinningSuperWonder=Yes

6840 BragAboutHowGreatYouAreBecauseYouInspiredYourTeamToMakeYouLookGreat=Yes

6850 REM Maybe our latest Emperor didn’t do all of the above, But I sure would!



6860 GOTO 1000



6969 REM *** SUCKER *** Subroutine

6970 REM Need to make friends with this person…somehow……


6980 PRINT “Send your banking info to LegHumper@HotMale.Gov so that you may be admitted to the secret GOW society for only the most special GOW players.”



9900 Buy the right pack a.k.a. MZ Business Model working perfectly


9910 IF BankBalance>100 THEN 99PACKS=99PACKS+1

9920 IF BankBalance>50 THEN 49PACKS=49PACKS+1

9930 IF BankBalance>20 THEN 19PACKS=19PACKS+1

9940 PRINT “Ask friends and relatives for iTunes Gift Cards for birthdays, Holidays or in payment for favors you may do for them”

9950 PRINT “Cash out your retirement fund, max out credit cards with cash advances, steal money from your mom’s purse and dad’s wallet, eat Ramen noodles 2-3 times a day to save money for GOW.”

9960 PRINT “Have money left? (Y/N)”

9970 If INPUT$=”N” THEN GOTO 9900