Quit Game of War

A dear friend of mine wrote this nearly 2 years ago. He’s remained a good friend by means of Facebook and Line App. Several readers have recently found his farewell to GoW article and I thought it timely to repost.  Perhaps his sentiments will resonate with you or a friend who recently decided to break or give up the Game of War.

To those still fighting on…Good luck! I’ll be here as long as I can navigating you through the treacherous waters of both your known enemy (that guy setting a rally on you) and that pesky other enemy (we will just refer to them here as “the creators.”

They are just that, creators. They create either fun or angst.  You decide.  Enjoy this classic farewell and be sure to read some of Harrycubed’s previous works when we were all fresh, new, and excited about the Game.

#SaveGameOfWar #StopcancellingKillEvents #weGetItWeBuyPacksBeforeAKillSoGoaheadAndGiveUsOne

Again, enjoy…

My Farewell: Quit Game of War.

Me: “My name is Harrycubed. I am a former GOW addict. ”

Crowd: “Hi Harrycubed”.

One guy in the back: “Wait, the great Leg Humper? THAT Harrycubed?”

Me: “Yes. Yes. THAT Harrycubed”.

Guy: “I’ve heard stories about you. I just assumed they were too amazing to be true!”

Me: “They’re all true”

Crowd murmurs. Things like “No way!” “Whoa” and “Holy cow!” and even a few “We’re in the presence of GOW royalty!”

Guy: “Tell us a story! An epic tale! A story about your travels through GOW! Tell us! Please! Bless us with more Harrycubed!”

Me:”Well, perhaps I could tell you the story of why I left GOW”.

GOW. And why I had to leave.
By Harrycubed. Narrated by Leg Humper.

A little over 2 years ago, a friend of mine (Kempo in GOW) tried to get me to play this new game he was into. Game of War. I said no. No way. Not another game. Can’t do it. No.

“But look, you can decide to attack someone, and you just pick up your base and move it right next to them!”

I resisted for months. Every time we met, he’d try. A little harder. He knew he’d win eventually. Frankly. So did I. But it was a small victory for me to resist for as long as I did.

Finally. He showed me a bit of the game on his phone. I broke. Downloaded it followed the tutorial. I was in.

This was the end of my PGOW (PRE-game of war) life and the beginning of my AGOW (active game of war) life.

Slowly. I learned the ins and outs of the game. There was a lot to it. Troops training. Research. Construction. Wall building. Quests. Wow. so much to do.
I watched as my friends attacked “enemies” and even rallied monsters. Those big scary bunnies!

I bought my first pack. I “broke the seal”. It was a bad move. Seeing all the stuff I got. Thousands of gold! A hundred days of speedups! Whoa! I would soon be king!

How can I attack someone!? Someone help me! Give me a target I can try to attack! (I had no idea what I was doing, and my alliance kept telling me to wait till I get the next tier of troops. I’d get t2, they tell me to wait till t3. I got t3. They said wait till I had t4…)

Finally, they couldn’t take it anymore and found me a target. A likely dead city. I asked a dozen questions and then pressed “attack”. A 25 minute March. I was nervous. Heart racing. Would/could I get attacked while
Marching? Would something happen that would cause me to lose badly? I had no idea! I stared at my phone screen without blinking, the whole March.

The attack landed. Delay. Delay. Delay. Fire! Yes! I won! The rush! The complete satisfaction in being able to take away someone else’s hard earned troops! Another step further into the “game of war addiction” darkness.

(Fast forward about a year.

High points:

  • My alliance merged with another. There was a minimum power to join the main alliance. I didn’t meet that minimum. Kempo convinced the “higher ups” that I would soon not only be above the minimum, I might be near the top of the alliance soon. I got to join the main alliance and I was the smallest. The “exception” to the rule. (I made 2 farms at this point. Called them “the exception” and “the rule”. Lol. Also found out how to change my “scroll”, and made it “I may be small, but I’m stubborn”. Still remains that to today.)
  • We were a part of the Dreaded Legion (D) family. Supposedly they offered us protection and instruction, guidance to become great. Frankly, we were treated as the red headed step child. The big D alliance wanted us to send our biggest players to them, in a show of trust on our end, but really it was just to keep the DF alliance out of the top 3 in power to be eligible for a spot in the wonder rotation. We sent a few. A couple stayed. A couple came back. But our alliance never saw any benefit at all. We grew. We were the biggest D affiliate outside the MAIN D group but still got no respect. We talked about breaking away, but there was no real benefit to leaving…..yet.
  • One of our own, stormbrngr, decided he had to leave. His “farm system” was enormous for that time. He was a great guy and a very helpful coach for me and many others. Losing him would hurt. The person who took over his account, eternal zen, seemed like a nice guy too. I decided to approach him and see if he’d like to stay with us. He pretended to consider it, but ultimately decided to leave to stay with his alliance.
  • I strike up a conversation with mmd.
  • Me and r4s group chat with them.
  • They love me. (Of course) They decide to join us.
  • We become MGd. We are a couple dozen fighters and a whole bunch of farms. (Context, at this time, I was 138M (Yes, MILLION!) and our alliance was 2.8B. I was 2nd in power in our new alliance, behind only Mopar Lar. We were the 8th ranked alliance at the time of our merge) I was 5th in Kingdom in POWER, but #2471 in Kills. I spent a lot of my time building, but never really learned how to fight. This merge changed all that!
  • We are no longer D family, but still getting attacked by DF (after they promised that they wouldn’t attack if we weren’t in D. One of SO many lies they told).
  • We decide, behind our biggest player, Mopar lar, to go try to attack the wonder. (See the story in my blog: (DARK! Looking for my blog of how we took the wonder, didnt’ see it in the leg humper fan page, nor did I see the QAOJ hero will die song blog?) Thanks!
  • We take it from DF
  • Kuwait Wulf says to Mopar “give it to me to stop the fighting. I’ll hold it”. So. After earning a great victory, we decided to hand it off to Kuwait.
  • We grow. Gain some new players thanks to our show of force at the wonder. Suddenly, other big alliances are taking us seriously. We’re “invited” to the rotation for the wonder.
  • Darkthorne decides I’m an entertaining character in Alliance Chat, asks me to do a blog for this site.
  • I blog (You’re welcome)
  • We grow. Gain some more. Fight like killer wombats. We are a great alliance who has been given nothing, and play our own game.
  • Alliance City is released. (January 2015) NO KILLER WOMBAT! STILL ANGRY MZ!
  • Merge event.
  • New allies.
  • Old allies become enemies.
  • Personal attacks.
  • Real life blurry lines.
  • Mz bootings
  • Mz customer support sucks

Some personal shout outs. I don’t mean to leave anyone off the list below, these are just people I have something specific to say to. Many of you, I’ve already said goodbye IN game, and thank you for understanding.

Allie x. One of my longest tenured friends in game. More of our conversations have been non-GOW related than I realized. It’s been a pleasure. You have the social game to make others around you work together as a family. Keep it up! You FINALLY made my blog! Congrats!

Eternal zen. Like a guy who runs a red light and then 2 cars BEHIND him get into an accident, you had one important moment in the creation of Mgd, even though it may not have been obvious to many. Thanks! (And for all the info and knowledge we’ve gained from you over the last years!)

Sir Asher. Might be the only guy I’ve met in this game who could match my sarcasm level. You’re Canadian tho, so you still fall about 20% short. Sorry.

Sir brax. Respect for you and what you do in real life, thank you. We will meet one day, I hope.

Jawbreaker and Samubri. I know you didn’t chat much, but when you guys chimed in, it was always helpful and productive.

Stldoc. One of the most wide ranging personalities in this game. One of the most generous, and genuinely helpful players…..people I’ve ever met. Thank you, and thanks for all those you helped that didn’t appreciate it as much as you deserved.

Titan. Haven’t talked much lately. Where’s my ore!

Itsez. Early on, you had a reputation for being a total nut job. Well……um……I got nuttin else. Lol. Jk. Stay strong.

Canadian. Great rally leader. Great trap. Great at wonder. If I were smarter, better looking, knew more about the game, and had a little less sarcasm, I’d be you!

Big Plunger. The only GOW player I’ve met in real life, and I wasn’t disappointed. 4 hours of conversation and a whole Mets game (a win in the playoffs) later and you didn’t hate me!? Best friends for life! (That waitress DEFINITELY liked me more, but if you feel the need to believe it was you she preferred, then…well….enjoy living a lie…)

InZane. Dude. Lol. So at one point. You got zeroed and were a small potatoes. Then steroids and weight lifting regimen and BAM! HUGE! Kill! Kill! Kill! (If it moves? Kill it more!). Keep killing. Keep everyone afraid when you port in.

Ousig. We have the “old days”. Kinda funny that we can say that in this game. Been a long time. Keep being a strong part of the leadership of this great alliance. Size matters not!

Drew. The core guru. No one understands how much work you put into figuring out new ways to crush opponents. They all need to thank you!

Runner. Keep being the example for others to follow. Stay classy.

Emre. AKA HeavyThunder. I impart to you a great account. One that I have invested a lot of time and money in. A LOT of both. Leg Humper is mine. But the hero you have will perform his duties as much as anyone. Kill lots. Have major amounts of fun. Be strong for Mgd. Kick butt! (Ask questions. Lots of new stuff happening lately. We have a great alliance and tons of info can be garnered from them.).

Wicked Candy. One of the Smarter players I’ve met. If you spent like some, you’d run this game!

Blk Mamba. Bro. One of my favorite rally leaders. Keep kicking butt!

Julio Ceasar, General one, Attillasfury. At some point if we ever meet in real life, please make sure you have my home address so you can put me in a cab and send me home. Attach the following note to my shirt. “Harry has been returned safely to you, and in moderately good working condition. Please note. You may need to bring him to several psychiatrists and drug detox clinics to help him recover from what he did and saw while with us. Be comforted in the fact that we’re pretty sure he had a lot of fun before he was knocked unconscious by the transvestite stripper. Ignore his limp, it’ll go away in a few days. The facial tics, however, may be permanent.

Cy. I’ve talked to you a LOT on line. Real life is a lot of work! I know how hard you work, I can’t believe you do what you do and how much you do for others around you in your life. Me helping with your farms is so small in comparison. Don’t thank me for helping you. I thank you for helping those around you. Stay strong. It makes others stronger to know you’re there for them!

Philmont. The monster killer. If there’s anyone in GOW who kills more monsters than you do, I’ve never heard of them. You are THE monster killer.

Butterkup. You rock. You’re small. And help this alliance in some BIG ways! Thank you!

Lord Richi. Despite our language differences, you had some of the funniest chats I’ve seen. Thanks for making me smile!

Shizz. One of the few who stuck with me during those terrible overnight wonder holds. Not the only reason, but for that reason at least, I thank you.

Fabdog. Dude. If I’m in your area….we’re meeting!

Ferun. We still need to write an Mgd song for your hubby to sing!

Darkthorne. The reason I have a blog. The reason I’ve brought so much joy into so many people’s lives. The reason so many people know of Leg Humper and the great harrycubed. The reason people love and adore and respect me. Well. The reason is me. Frankly. I’m the reason for all those things. But you were smart enough to notice it and give me the opportunity. For that. I say. Congratulations. Honestly, we need to meet in person some day. Maybe Vegas next year?

Mopar. In many ways, Mgd became what it is because of you. (Really mostly because of me, but of the remaining portion, THAT portion is mainly because of you). The right balance of knowledge, stubbornness, moral fortitude, fighting ability, and just, CLASS. many times I found myself feeling like the little brother or like the son you wish you had. No matter how much you deny it, you KNOW you want to have me over for dinner some day. (Mrs Mopar already said yes anyway, so not like you have any say). Keep being the King Arthur of the round table.

To all the pandas. I can’t keep you guys straight. Don’t know which of you I like and don’t like. So I pretend to like
You all!

To all the players I’ve had the honor of playing with over these last 2 years…you’re welcome. You got to experience me. My wittiness and sarcasm, intelligent humor, amazingly interesting anecdotes and personal stories you all enjoyed no matter how many times you’ve heard them, have all made your lives just a little bit better. You’re welcome. Lol

To anyone featured in my blogs. You’re quite welcome for the boosts to your egos by being mentioned in a great harrycubed blog. I hope you enjoyed them and take them how they are meant, as satire and sarcasm, all in fun.

To my MGD alliance mates, Past and Present (and some in the future, as you will likely hear many stories of my greatness.) It has been a pleasure and honor to play this game with you all. My family and “real life” friends have heard about many of you and I have perhaps had more conversations with many of you than those real life friends over the last couple of years. Please keep this in mind. Your R4s TRULY DO CARE about this alliance, they fight, argue, and go to bat for MGD and it has caused real life strife in some cases. They CARE! They look out for everyone in the alliance, small or big, new or old, If you’re MGD, you’re MGD. Sometimes the conversations go on for weeks and months over certain topics or decisions, and I apologize if you’re not always “in the loop” with those decisions or their outcomes. It’s genuinely taxing and tiring on them, and when the path is declared, it’s often a huge relief and it doesn’t always get passed along in a proper manner. Hopefully the new R3 room and team facilitates that communication. But please trust that they DO have your best interests at heart.

Mz: screw you. You are one of the reasons I’m leaving the game. You made this game, with a social part that’s more than I’ve ever experienced in any game I’ve ever played. Made me care about the people. About my stronghold. About my troops. And then I had frustration with the constant booting and the “glitches” like when cores don’t get put on in time, despite hitting the preset 30 seconds early. And then the customer service with all the “preformed form letter” responses. Nothing got accomplished nothing got better. For all the above, and more, Mz. Screw you.

To the Kingdom Chat warriors. We’re all guilty of getting frustrated and/or making things personal in chat. I keep at the forefront of my consciousness that there are real human beings who are playing this game and chatting with me, and whether I like them or not, I will try to show respect. For those of you who have gotten personal, in my alliance or in others, please keep this in mind. It’s not necessary to make others feel like crap so you can feel better. Please, there’s enough negativity in this world. Don’t add to it.

So this is my official goodbye to the Game of War world. Like any addiction, I’m sure I’ll go through moments of weakness where I feel I want to come back. I will try to be strong.

Things I’ve noticed since I got out of GOW:

I have an extensive book pile that needs attention. I always ask for books as gifts. Since GOW, I find myself with very little free time.

I have a whole family living with me! I have some hot chick who claims to be my wife, and 3 smaller people who claim to be my kids. I will try to get to know them better. (Today is a HUGE blizzard, 2+ feet of snow after getting nothing all winter so far. I watched my “kids” and “dogs” play out in the snow as I put my arm around my “wife” and watched and smiled. My phone was in the other room, and I didn’t care about GOW in that moment…..if THAT doesn’t say something…..I don’t know what can!

I’ve learned that it’s easier to eat meals, especially meals that require 2 hands to use like a fork and knife at the same time, when you don’t have your phone in one hand.

Bowling is different. My balance is a bit thrown off as now my phone isn’t in my other hand while on the approach. It is still a little strange not being able to let the ball go, and immediately turn around and check my GOW.

I have a big screen TV. It plays pictures. I’ve always known it makes sounds. But wow. Good picture on it too! Weird thing, many of the actors on my favorite shows are a couple years older than I remember from my PGOW days.

I’m a much safer driver now.

I have to work on my posture. For 2 years, the hunched over old man posture worked for me to walk and sit while on Game of War. Now, I have to look forward. Weird.

I will not be playing mobile strike.

I have an iPad I no longer need. I bought it for GoW. Now…..it’s too big to use as an iPod, too small to use as a TV….anyone want to make an offer?

I can now lift a car with just my thumbs. The amount of texting and GOWing I’ve done over two years have built the muscles in my thumbs up to such a degree than the current body building champion has PMed me for advice, the UFC has asked me to sign a contract to NOT compete as it wouldn’t be fair, and I had to register my thumbs with the local police department and FBI as deadly weapons. North Korea recently decided to aim their nukes at other countries as they realized they ONLY had nuclear weapons, but the USA had Harrycubed’s thumbs. they definitely don’t want to start THAT fight.

Leg Humper has decided to retire from GOW as well, and has enrolled in a local tech school. He’s being trained in heating and air conditioning repair, but is having trouble overcoming his recent history. At school, so far, he’s been sent to the deans office many times, mostly for a) humping the teachers legs. (And one short teachers ear). B). Attacking one of the school mascots, a bunny. C) trying to get others to follow him into battle declaring the kitchen the “wonder” and declaring the kitchen staff as the enemies. D) when told by the teacher to start his research studies, he dropped a few rocks, sticks, some pieces of metal that look like bottle caps, A Big Mac and some silver anklet he “borrowed” from a leg humping conquest. And told the teacher to speed it up herself. E). One day he showed up in full samurai gear and proceeded to talk in Japanese to everyone, screaming at them and threatening them with his sword. It’s a tough adjustment for him. I have faith, just not a lot of it.

I have been in this game long enough to have “witnessed” many births, a few more deaths than I’d have liked, a couple of marriages, some major life changes like moving across country, etc. I have always tried to be a positive person and hoped to be positive for anyone around me who listened. I prefer not to be negative and I hope that my attitude helped some of you, heck, even just one of you, make it through some tough times. I know for a fact that some of you have helped me, even if you don’t realize it.

I have told epic tales for your entertainment and amusement. If you haven’t read my blogs, please read some. Read the story of the Ponzi Scheme Frat Boy party. Read the unbelievable stories about Leg Humper in a Russian Prison. (My personal favorite, and the one that really put me on the map of All-Time-Greatest Bloggers. Read about how GOW can translate into real life. (The image of my neighbors dogs being scared about my pet war elephant still makes me chuckle.)  Read about my Alliance City thoughts. WOMBAT! GIVE ME MY ALLIANCE CITY WOMBAT! Try to find the SONG I wrote about QAOJ losing her hero. (I don’t think QAOJ liked it much, but I hope she appreciated that amount of work that went into re-writing “American Pie” in her honor.) Read my first blog post where I talk about how sarcastic I am. Read about what it takes to make a successful alliance. Read the GOW ADDICT QUIZ. Heck, read them all. They’re all pretty fantastic. You deserve a good smile.

I’ve freed up about 4GB of space on my phone when I quit Game of War. Screen shots, PW lists, web sites, core/piece lists, etc. All gone. Good news now, I wonder if i run GOW on my phone now, it’ll behave better? I may have to try it……

to be continued….maybe?

p.s. Please look me up on LINE, harrycubed. I’d love to hear about the current state of affairs in the kingdom and in the game, and more importantly, in all of your lives!

p.p.s.  I just let my wife read this. She looked up, smiled, said “Boy, if anyone read that and didn’t know you, they’d think you were a pompous ass”. I responded, “So they’d know the real me, then?” She laughed and went upstairs. Tonight, I can go upstairs with her, rather than waiting till I get gold in the kill event. It’ll be a nice change. I wonder if she’ll be pissy with me cause I’m taking up space on the bed.

To all of you who read ANY of my blogs, thank you. Please feel free to share this or other links on this website. Darkthorne put a lot of time into it and he deserves a little more traffic. It’ll be a nice send off for me too, knowing that I got a TON of new comments on my blogs because you all felt they were good enough to share with others!

Signing off

Harrycubed

Hero: Leg Humper aka Bruce from the HVAC company

Kingdom #106 (formerly #94)

Alliance, MGd. The BEST alliance, even if you THINK yours is good. Trust me. I don’t lie.

 

Leg Humper Sings the Gow Blues!

PART 3: The Return of the Leg Humper

It is a time of possibilities and hope for our heroes as the LEG HUMPER TRIALS near completion. Leg Humper has passed all his tests and trials, easily, almost TOO easily. The final challenge will most certainly be his greatest achievement or failure yet.

The FINAL Test! Common Eileen

We have a great tradition here in the “Game Of War Keggery” or “GOWK” for short (yeah. Google “GOWK” too…….) that all new initiates sing us a song. We wouldn’t require you to do this, as at the very least, being a member of the GOWSWHOF due to your previously mentioned #1 hit, but we’d love for you to honor us with one nonetheless!? How about everyone in here. What do you think!?”
(The crowd voiced a slightly interested sound of approval, but I’m sure it would have been ok if they’d all just been left alone to find out why GOW had just notified them that “ATTENTION! This is Game Of War!!” On a pop up. Since then I’ve also gotten “knock knock”. “Double!” “Double who!” And my personal favorite. “W!” What are they doing!?)

“Well. I guess I could sing one song. I don’t have anything prepared, so it’ll be created as I go, is that ok?”

Crowd “yeah. Whatever.”

I tell the band to play a simple blues rift. The music starts. I sing.

“On the day I was born…
“Da da dun dunp”
I looked at the nurse…
“Da da dun dunp”
I said is that your phone?…
“Da da dun dunp”
She looked in her purse…

“Da da dun dunp”
She had a pop up…
“Da da dun dunp”
It was for a new game…
“Da da dun dunp”
It was called clash of clans…
“Da da dun dunp”
It seemed kind of lame…

“Da da dun dunp”
She said “I wish they’re was better”…
“Da da dun dunp”
I said “your wish will come true…
“Da da dun dunp”
If Clash is Ramen Pride…
“Da da dun dunp”
GOW will be Dinty Moore beef stew!

I got the Game of War Blues….oh. The Game of War blues….

I downloaded the app…
“Da da dun dunp”
I made an account…
“Da da dun dunp”
Finished the tutorial…
“Da da dun dunp”
So many hours, I lost count…
“Da da dun dunp”

I upgraded my buildings…
“Da da dun dunp”
and researched economics…
“Da da dun dunp”
I used lots of speed ups…
“Da da dun dunp”
I fell for MZs best tricks…
“Da da dun dunp”

I looked through the packs…
“Da da dun dunp”
And one looked good…
“Da da dun dunp”
I bought 10 through iTunes…
“Da da dun dunp”
Now I can’t afford food!…

I got the Blues….oh yeah,
The Game of War blues….

I sold off my car…
“Da da dun dunp”
Put my house up for sale…
“Da da dun dunp”
Moved into moms basement…
“Da da dun dunp”
The lack of sun makes me pale…
“Da da dun dunp”

I buy a new phone…
“Da da dun dunp”
Get a few new iPads…
“Da da dun dunp”
I make farm accounts…
“Da da dun dunp”
This is getting so sad…
“Da da dun dunp”

I spend all my time…
“Da da dun dunp”
Upgrading my farms…
“Da da dun dunp”
Tapping out small speed ups…
“Da da dun dunp”
I got cramps in my arms!

I got the Blues….oh yeah,
The Game of War blues….

I March 30 minutes…
“Da da dun dunp”
To kill 20 troops…
“Da da dun dunp”
I speed up my March back…
“Da da dun dunp”
Cause I really have to poop!…
“Da da dun dunp”

My life has changed so much…
“Da da dun dunp”
I schedule my life…
“Da da dun dunp”
Around kvks and kill events…
“Da da dun dunp”
I don’t recognize my wife!…
“Da da dun dunp”

I gain lots of power…
“Da da dun dunp”
Build lots of cores…
“Da da dun dunp”
I lead rallies on enemies…
“Da da dun dunp”
I bet their butts are sore!…
“Da da dun dunp”

THEY got the Blues….oh wow,
The Game of War blues….

My eyes don’t work right…
“Da da dun dunp”
I can’t use my thumbs…
“Da da dun dunp”
My backs bad from crouching…
“Da da dun dunp”
My buttocks is (are?) numb…
“Da da dun dunp”

My life is a mess…
“Da da dun dunp”
I have no more cash…
“Da da dun dunp”
MZ releases new researches…
“Da da dun dunp”
I guess I’ll take it up the….buttocks…
“Da da dun dunp”

I have to give it up…
“Da da dun dunp”
I have no more drive…
“Da da dun dunp”
I give my account away…
“Da da dun dunp”
I start to feel alive!

I got the Blues….oh baby,
The Game of War blues….

I keep one tiny account…
“Da da dun dunp”
Just to chat with my friends…
“Da da dun dunp”
I give all my farms away…
“Da da dun dunp”
I hope I helped them in the end…
“Da da dun dunp”

I check in each day…
“Da da dun dunp”
No gifts go to waste…
“Da da dun dunp”
I slowly build up this account…
“Da da dun dunp”
GOW is worse than eating paste…
“Da da dun dunp”

I build up to trap…
“Da da dun dunp”
It was never fun before…
“Da da dun dunp”
I let mz get their hooks back in me…
“Da da dun dunp”
I’m basically their whore!

I got the Blues….oh mama,
The Game of War blues….

I’ve enjoyed this game much…
“Da da dun dunp”
And hated it too…
“Da da dun dunp”
I can’t get away from it…
“Da da dun dunp”
No matter what I do…
“Da da dun dunp”

MZ continues to mess…
“Da da dun dunp”
With a good customer base…
“Da da dun dunp”
Useless features and research…
“Da da dun dunp”
Like a pie in the face…
“Da da dun dunp”

The worst thing I’ve seen…
“Da da dun dunp”
Is the infernos for money…
“Da da dun dunp”
Wanna play this free game?…
“Da da dun dunp”
Go get some iTunes, honey!

I got the Blues….oh lord,
The Game of War blues….

Now to level my hero…
“Da da dun dunp”
These new medals to buy…
“Da da dun dunp”
Not play hard or try hard…
“Da da dun dunp”
It makes me want to cry!…
“Da da dun dunp”

Soon this game will outgrow me…
“Da da dun dunp”
And I’ll be unable to play…
“Da da dun dunp”
Not from lack of trying…
“Da da dun dunp”
Just from lack of Mon-ay!

Game of war is my heroine…
“Da da dun dunp”
My dealer is MZ…
“Da da dun dunp”
If they ever do a drug test…
“Da da dun dunp”
They’ll find Hoplites in my pee!

I got the Blues….oh MZ,
The Game of War blues….

Crowd: ”
We got the Blues….oh boy,
The Game of War blues….”

My mysterious somewhat good looking man-friend is crying. Manly tears. He realizes he’s in the
Presence of greatness. I look around. Not a dry eye in the house. Tears everywhere. Sobbing here and there. One woman is full on wailing.

My moderately good looking man-friend speaks. His words hold gravity and feel as if he’s speaking to royalty. “Leg Humper, we are honored to have to stay with us. Tell us tales of your travels. We are humbled to be in the presence of greatness.”

I decide to stay a little while, but I have to be honest with them, as I really am a terrible liar. “I will stay. I will chat with you all. But there will come a day, perhaps soon. Perhaps far in the future. Where I will need to leave and share my greatness with the rest of the world. Maybe some day we will reunite in some other addicting game. You will know me. But for now. We DRINK!!!”

The crowd cheers.

Thank you Darkthorne for bugging me to blog again. I truly enjoy it, but haven’t had the time recently to put the needed effort into doing this.

To all my fans. I hope you enjoy this, possibly last? Leg Humper blog. The game is changing and my time is more limited than it was. I’m having fun trapping, but will likely not be able to keep up with MZ. I’ve stuck around for my friends in the game, many of which I would actually like to meet in person some day. One of which I have and I was not disappointed. (But the waitress CLEARLY liked me better.) Eventually, you may need to imagine Leg Humper walking out those doors of the GOWK tavern and disappearing into the night. Silently. But satisfied. Smiling. But sad.

Thanks for reading this far!
Harrycubed a.k.a. Leg Humper
Kingdom: #106 Kranarius
Alliance: MGd

The BLUE RAY edition of this trilogy will be released soon. Some Directors commentary and behind the scenes time will be included. The behind the scenes stuff will mostly just be a picture of me sitting in my chair with my phone in my hand. The directors commentary will likely either being my wife telling me to put the phone down to watch Big Brother or Darkthorne telling me to try to be funnier.

Leg Humper: Why I Returned To Game of War

PART 2: LEG HUMPER RETURNS

When last we saw our heroes, they were embroiled in a battle….or at least a series of tests…to determine Leg Humpers worthiness to stay in the GOW Pub. Leg Humper’s day/evening plans hang in the balance as whether he stays or not would determine the outcome of this story.  The TRIALS of LEG HUMPER continue where we left off…

Meanwhile Still in the Pub

leg humper

My mysterious somewhat attractive man-friend stared blankly at the crowd and the crazy old man who just made his speech, and sort of “snapped out of it” and returned to the present. He flippantly says “moving on”

“The next test. One of Uncommon valor. Usually for this test we subject the applicant to several physical and mental impossible choices to see what happens.”

Things like “a kitten and a puppy are drowning, choose one to save!” Or “the girl next to you in calculus class asks if she can cheat off you. The class is graded on a curve and letting her cheat may affect your grade negatively, what do you say?” Or “a man with a gun walks in the room and points a gun at you. Do you give him your iPhone, or hide behind the elderly nun and group of young school children she’s in charge of?” You know. Things like that.*.

But you’re Leg Humper! We all know of your greatness, your fairness and your awesomeness! We’ve heard the stories about how you inspired your alliance to take the wonder against the big bad evil alliance! We’ve regaled in the tale of your leadership of your entire kingdom to migrate to kingdom 106 after the Great Merge Event! We’ve ALL witnessed the story of how you spent time in a Russian prison….twice! And not only escaped once, but even for executed and came back to life! We have read your eye-witness account of some of the greatest traps to have ever walked the GOW world! (PONZI, and you Crazy Canadian, seemoarbutts, I still salute you. Haven’t seen anything like it since! And with the release of hemlock, likely we never will!)

We tell stories about how you perfectly related GOW to real life, and how you took on the difficult topic of addiction and easily handled it with a test we could all take and self evaluate in the privacy of our own homes (or our mothers basements, for many of you I suppose?).

Yes. We’ve ALL lived through your experiences, O’ great Leg Humper. We tell bedtime stories about you to our children. When we get drunk, we sing the billboard #1 hit “Queens Hero Will Die” when we’re drunk and happy. We try to top each other’s idiocy much like the frat house contest….you, Leg Humper, won’t need to prove your uncommon valor at all.

“Ok, good….thanks!”

Test Dot Common!

“Next test! Dot common!”
I look around the room. Apparently, the crowd grew bored while listening to my mysterious mildly attractive man-friend and took out their phones to play GoW.

They all simultaneously got a pop up that said “BURN NOTICE! Log in now!” And they all did. They then spent the next 20 minutes trying to figure out who got burned, or if another alliance was in need of help or in need of further burning, etc. no one found anything. I waited the 20 minutes, mostly playing on  my phone. HayDay is a fun app.

He re-announces…”next test! Dot common! Leg Humper! What is your favorite website?”
That’s an easy one. Gameofwartips.com. Specifically, the page under resources titled “Leg Humper fan page”. I only wish the list of leg Humper blogs was both complete, (there are some missing) and better visually. Darkthorne, the creator of the site, has added so much content to his site that the Leg Humper Fan Page has gotten pushed off the high priority list and now just sits as a bunch of links, not even in chronological order, with no pictures or brief descriptions to help new arrivals to the site navigate through the awesomeness they have stumbled upon. But hey. It’s ok I guess. Still my favorite site.”

Editor’s Note: Burned…

The crowd just nodded agreeably in silence.

Test: Common Misconceptions

“Well done! Next test! Common misconceptions. Tell us why you quit Game of War, and why you came back. The only other similar situation we could think of was when Michael Jordan quit basketball only to return several years later. In both cases, the arguably greatest of all time left the game at his peak, highlighting a glaring lack of excitement and lack of talent in the game after he left. Upon his return, though the game and HIS game had changed, he was still among the greatest of all time, not only in his base ability, but also in his ability to bring those around him up to another greater level of performance. So. Why. Leg Humper. Did you leave and then return?”

Why I Quit and then Returned to Game of War

My answer was simple, “Time is why I left, or more specifically, lack of time to play. I’d missed many events and found myself trying to squeeze in playing time as I got busier in real life. My return was because I kept a small farm account I used mainly to chat with the friends I made in the game. I logged in and slowly built it up to a trap, keeping it shielded until kvk and then re-shielding when I had to log off. It was a much more manageable level of play for me, unlike when I was trying to keep up with mz releasing new core sets weekly and new researches bi-weekly. It’s worked out ok for me, and I’ve been a pretty good trap so far. It’s a very different kind of gameplay, and I don’t think it really interested me back when I wrote those blogs about great traps I witnessed. But out of necessity came proficiency and so…I return.”

“And we thank you for that!”

Insert disappointing and incomplete ending here with the feeling that there MUST be more, and I NEED TO HAVE ALL THESE QUESTIONS ANSWERED type of cliff hangar. Use your imagination. If you can’t do that……then at least just pretend to be excited for Part 3.

Thanks for reading this far!
Harrycubed a.k.a. Leg Humper
Kingdom: #106 Kranarius
Alliance: MGd

*proper answers to those questions are: save the puppy. 1) Cats are evil incarnate. 2) is she hot? If so, yes. Let her cheat off you. 3). Trick question. Without looking, keep your phone hidden and find the gunmans sh in GOW. Set a rally on him. When he looks down at his phone to see the notification, throw one of the small children in his direction and run out of the room.

Leg Humper vs. Machine Zone: A New Hope

Chronicles of Leg Humper Returns to Game of War Tips!

The next installment of the best Game of War Sarcastic Satire Blog anywhere on the planet, or elsewhere!

PART 1: Leg Humper vs. Mz, a NEW HOPE

It was a time of great depression. Game of War in Kingdom 106 and really, everywhere else too, was going through a tough time.  Still disappointed by the loss of the beloved Leg Humper, the Evil Empire, MZ, was gaining power and strength as they offered Pay-for-Infernos and packs that unlocked other packs that you felt were needed if you planned to succeed at GoW life. A former GOW rally leader and part time sit-down comedian, may be the new hope for GOW to stand up against MZ, or at least make their time under the evil empires rule, slightly less boring…

It’s a rainy night (actually, it’s like 84 degrees and sunny, nice afternoon, but the setting is better when it’s dark and rainy. Not sure why. It just is.

I walk the streets aimlessly. Looking for activity. Something. Interesting.

I had recently traveled the land, looking for adventures elsewhere. I’d spent time with the Buddhist masters in a cave on the 424th highest peak in New York. All women masters by the way, thus, the name of the mountain. Google it. I’ll wait….

I’ve traversed the legendary Sarr Chasm with some mixed results…a story for another time perhaps.

I stayed at a hotel where they labeled everything by the alphabet. Like the towels were labeled a, b, c, d, and so on. The soap. The cleaning staff. Everything. While walking down toward the pool, I passed by the housekeeping headquarters and stole the 5th iron from the left. I think it’s funny. They’ll be going nuts trying to find it. I will use my “iron E” every chance I can!

But now, I find myself walking along a deserted city street. Late at night. Cold. It’s raining. Not really. But you know, ambiance.

At the far end of a side alley, I see a light and make out the sounds of music and cheering and whooping. Actual whooping. Not the fake kind.

I meander down the alley toward the lights and sounds. I tried sauntering, it’s not as easy as people think. Meandering, however, is pretty easy, likely anyone could do it without risk of injury.  I’m hoping for someplace warm and bright, to offset this dark, cold, and rainy night. Yeah. It was cold too. Again. Adds to the imagery for story telling.

I arrive at the entrance and push apart the saloon style double swinging doors. The music stops. All faces turn to me. Silence.

leg humper

A man in the back, face shrouded in shadows. I’m guessing, I couldn’t actually see him because, well, he was way in the back behind lots of other people. Stands up (now I can see his face. He’s good looking. Not in the way I’d be attracted to, just in that he’s not repulsive to stare at. He walks in my general direction. Remember. Lots of people here. If he walked DIRECTLY at me, he’d trip over other people.

He gets close up to my face. Takes a long inhale through his nose as if to smell my very soul. Looks into my eyes and says:

“You. I know you. Or at least I know of you. Or at least I know of stories about you. Sort of. Well. I don’t really know you I guess. Just kind of heard about you once a long time ago. You’re ‘Leg Humper’. Aren’t you?”

I assumed it was a rhetorical question, because really, who doesn’t know Leg Humper.

When he seemed like he was still waiting for an answer. And, he was still close enough to sniff my soul, I’m guessing it smelled faintly of a mix of tinfoil and the color purple. I said:

“Yes”.

The crowd murmured. If you haven’t heard an actual crowd murmur, it’s kind of like expecting steak but they bring out jello. You bite into it and it’s not at all satisfying, but it certainly takes up space.

He says, “Well, despite the stories we’ve heard, you’re going to need to pass a few…tests…if you want to hang with us in here.”

A few in the crowd snickered at the word “tests” but not in like that evil “yeah, tests that will challenge you to the core and show if you’re man or meerkat!” I think they were laughing because when he said “tests” they thought he said “chests” and they were snickering at the synonym for boobs.

“Ok. Bring on the tests”.

Crowd: “Bring on the tests!” Two people snickered at this too.

Anonymous, somewhat good looking, mysterious man:

Test one! A Test of Will Power! ‘Common Mistakes.’

“Before you, I give you several pack choices.”

Pack 1: Contains 17 million in gold and tens of thousands of chests, mostly stuff you don’t need or can’t use with one you would surely benefit from, but not nearly enough to be effective.

Pack 2: Promises you can increase your strength and stamina and includes millions of experience (not enough to level up, but lots) and some fancy equipment to wear. It’s pretty. Pretty useless.

Pack 3: Promises you will be the champion of the Super Wonder! You won’t. But it says you will. So that’s something.

Pack 4: Promises you will be the envy of your kingdom. You get some pretty gems, medals and something called “reputation points”. Likely useless. But you never know.

The crowd is quiet and all eyes are on me. I look at each pack laid out on the tables before me. Carefully considering each one and the benefits it would afford me.

I realize this is a trick! The right answer is NONE OF THEM!

But then, I’m buoyed by the thought that I got this one right, and I blurt out:

“I buy 2 of each pack!” I couldn’t help myself. All that stuff! How can anyone say no to all that! And the crowd cheers!? Apparently that’s the same thing everyone else did.

Test 2. ‘Common Thoughts’

A simple question. The answer will matter greatly. “How many times have you quit, or threatened to quit, playing game of war?”

Whoa. I never really thought about it. I’d enjoyed the game, and really, more so, the people.

I wrote blogs. Epic tales of awesome! And, enjoyed chatting in the game with so many people. When I finally decided to walk away from the game, giving my big account to a friend and my farm system to another, I’d realized it was finally the time to quit cold turkey.

But I’d agonized over the decision for months before finally pulling the trigger, so perhaps daily for 3 months, it was a thought? But it was only one real final thought that counts?

Right? I don’t know. I’m confused. I make up a number. Blurt it out. It’s a good number. Not too high. Not too low. Apparently. It’s the Goldilocks of numbers as the crowd cheers again!

I won’t tell you the number here, as now that I know that the number works in this type of situation, I plan to use it every time I find myself in a hostile environment where I’m expected to answer questions and pass tests just to stand in a room and get out of the rain. I bet if you tried long enough, you’d be able to guess it. But I’m not telling.

Test 3, ‘Common Sense’

Common sense is NOT at all common. In fact. It’s quite rare. But at some point in history, whoever makes up names for things, like “chair” or “taint” or “shuffle” also named it “common sense” instead of the better fitted “rare sense”. Perhaps it was a public relations ploy to make more people think it was attainable and desirable. Dunno.

“It’s a KvK kill event. You see an outlander ported near you. The gear the hero is wearing is a mix of research gear and training gear. No reason anyone would ever be in this gear. You watch his helps for 3 minutes before impatience overwhelms you and you set a rally on him.

You call your alliance and they all port over and fill your rally.
Do you:
A) Let the rally March! You’ll crush him because you’re powerful!
B) Cancel the rally because you might lose troops.
C) Let the rally March, then cancel before it hits because you likely forgot a boost or had the wrong troop type or some other reason.
D) Realize that THIS IS A TRAP! He’s in your kingdom, so he’s on line, don’t be an idiot. He’s trapping! Don’t even bother!!

Your answer, Leg Humper?”

Well. This ones easy. We get one kill event every month or so. So “A!” Win or lose, at least it’s action! I call out my answer. The crowd cheers!

Test 4: ‘Common Decency’

A simple yes or no question. Have you ever spoken to a person in chat in a way you would NEVER speak to a person in real life, face to face?”

Wow. This is a heck of a question. Personally, as Leg Humper, I believe I’ve never really lied to anyone. I’m a master of sarcasm and goofing around in a way that is intended to be harmless and not hurtful.

Usually I can’t lie. If someone takes my joke seriously or seems to take offense to something I say, I immediately apologize or attempt to explain. I have witnessed amazingly offensive and rude comments in chats, and have occasionally tried to diffuse some of them with humor or bringing the attention on to myself with self deprecating, or self defecating humor as I like to call it, as it’s like I’m basically making myself look like poop.

So for the most part, I believe I’m pretty much the same person in chat as I am in person. I try not to offend, try to be truthful, try to be fun. I’m about to yell out my answer, and then I realize…..I’m a TOTAL flirt in chat, but if any of these women flirted back with me in REAL life, I’d be a complete mess. So…I have to answer yes.

I have spoken to people differently in chat than I would in real life. My flirting in chat, when translated to real life, would be me breaking out in cold sweats and being struck for a complete loss of words. I say “yes” to the crowd, and the crowd mostly looks guilty of doing the same.

“Well done sir!

Test 5: ‘Commons, Semi-Commons, and Apostrophes.’

On a scale of 1-10, how much does it bother you when someone mis-uses “you’re/your” or “their/they’re/there” or effect/affect. Or when someone says it’s a “mute point” or when someone says that they “could care less” or uses irregardless in any context or say they’ve made a “full 360” or uses literally when they SHOULD use figuratively, as I write this, someone JUST wrote “I literally got a thousand emails from the guy to get his hero back”. I asked how many he actually got. He said 3. But they were all one right after another”.

On a scale of 1 to 10. Hmm. I do enjoy poking fun when people say something like “your right” by my usual response of “my right!?” Am I bothered? Not really. It’s kind of entertaining I guess?

I call out my answer. “2!”

Expecting cheers for my amazing answer that shows I’m above the intellectual righteousness and also understand that sometimes autocorrect messes things up, but no…instead, I get peanuts and pretzel nuggets thrown at me from just about everyone in the room.

One man off to the right, my physical right, not like politically right, he stands up slowly. Puts his hand in the air as if to ask for silence. And gradually he gets it. He states to the crowd:

“For all intensive purposes, I could care less about this mute point. Theirs just two much indivisiveness amongst all y’all and its just never gonna get wear yew want it too. I defiantly want what’s best for you all. So with that, I bit you ado and will sit back down in my sitting assistance device hear below me.” He actually spoke with the typos as shown above. Without actually being there, You wouldn’t understand.

He sat. There was a stunned silence.  Well, more of a confused silence, perhaps stunned by how confused they were?

While the crowd was trying to figure out what they just heard, I jumped at the chance to yell out “9!” And the crowd thought for a moment about why they were mad at me earlier and realized they must have misremembered. They didn’t cheer thunderously, as I would have liked, but more seemed like they were trying to show appreciation for my answer while fighting through a nasty migraine headache.

My mysterious somewhat attractive man-friend stared blankly at the crowd and the crazy old man who just made his speech, and sort of “snapped out of it” and returned to the present. He flippantly says “moving on”.

Insert epic battle of good vs evil here, with an ambiguous ending so that a sequel can happen but isn’t necessarily needed. Include at least one hot babe, one ugly bad guy, or at least the evil empire represented by a bad guy so we have someone to hate, because it’s hard to hate a thing. Except those hard to open plastic containers you need a sledge hammer, a jack hammer, and maybe even, as MC Hammer said, “can’t open this”. I hate those……but anyway, There WILL be a part 2 and a part 3, so please, enjoy reading this part over and over till part 2 drops, then we’ll release some DVD sets with some directors commentary and such.

Thanks for reading this far!
Harrycubed a.k.a. Leg Humper
Kingdom: #106 Kranarius
Alliance: MGd