I must admit, blogging is a LOT of fun, and I constantly thank Darkthorne for letting me do this here, on his site. If you haven’t read ALL of my previous blogs, I encourage you to do so, as they are all fantastic in their own way. Some funnier than others. I don’t think this one will be a funny one, but that remains to be seen, as I often write in a stream-of-consciousness that rarely has a specific destination, and MANY tangents. SO…with that, who knows if you’ll enjoy this or not, but please, pretend to enjoy it anyway.
I’m actually pretty good at “Compartmentalizing” my life. When I’m working, I’m thinking about working, but when I get home, it’s about the family. Log in to GOW and work and family disappear from my consciousness.
But…..if those walls between the compartments started to dissolve, real life, work life, GOW life, would all start to blur a bit into each other. I remember in college when I was doing a LOT of programming, hitting ENTER at the end of a line of code, my mindset was such that after I went to the bathroom, pressing the “FLUSH” button was pictured in my head as pressing “ENTER”
Well, with that thought as the premise, if GOW started to enter my (or anyone’s for that mattter) Real life, how would it manifest?
I started thinking about it, and when my son comes home from school, I send him out to the mailbox to get the mail. It struck me funny that it was almost the same as me sending out my hero to a monster. Would giving him a Pixie Stick before he goes out be the equivalent of hitting a march speed boost? Would making him wear a yellow “HAVE A NICE DAY” shirt while doing it be like putting up a march banner emoticon on my hero to send a message to my neighbors?
As I said, I actually do go to work, and while there, I focus on doing the job that needs to be done, kind of like going to my FARMS and working on those for a while. Ultimately, would most of us actually CHOOSE to go to work if it wasn’t needed? Would we make farms if RSS were more plentiful than needed? Probably not. So let’s call “WORK” our FARMS. We can call our kids or employees our “Heroes” we send out to do tasks. “Johnson, get that report done for me asap. Here’s a Pixie Stick. That will help speed it up a bit”
Putting up camps around your SH is a little like putting out a sign by your mailbox about your alarm system, or “Mean dog in yard” or “Old guy with shot gun and bad eyesight on premises”, etc. It MIGHT slow some down, but really, will it stop someone determined to get to your SH….er…house?
Watching TV? Like watching the Super Wonder battles, for most of us at least. I mean are most of us every going to fight in super wonder battles to do anything other than just completing that quest (kind of like getting an autograph from someone on Real Housewives or something. Most of us won’t live that kind of life they live, but hey, being able to brag to our friends about how this one time, I shook hands and took a selfie (Screenshot) or when I met Bethany (Joined a rally with someone and took the SW for a few seconds) is like a brush with that life that makes us feel important. Flipping Channels? Looking at other battles throughout the kingdoms of GOW.
What if we took this further. What if GOW reality started to come into real life?
What if when someone comments on your page, it was like someone spray painting a message on your garage door. What if someone decided to dig for gold on the sidewalk right next to your yard. Not IN your yard, just near it. Open your garage, send out your army of War Elephants you have in there to kill them, or scare them away at least. War Elephants in your garage might make it tough to park your car in there, but it would certainly be fun to scare the crap out of the dog next door when you let your War Elephant out into the back yard to do his business.
Some guy cuts you off on the road? (doesn’t respect first march on a tile) Gets in front of you? Follow him home, (Track his march) learn where he lives! Then Push a few buttons on your control panel in your kitchen and you pick up your house, move it next to his house….then open your upstairs windows and have your Marksmen start firing crossbows out the windows at his house. He’d likely pull in all his marches (Call his kids in for dinner) and put up a shield (Close his windows, turn off the lights, pretend he’s not home, like some do on Halloween when they realize they’re out of candy, or too cheap to buy candy for the local beggars. )
The “Stereotypical spouse or kids who always ask for your money”? Well we all have those in our alliance “Anyone got eleventy billion ore I can borrow for me to build up my traps?”
Research events? Imagine being able to research your Hero tree. For me, that would mean giving my son powdered steroids on his Sugar Smacks cereal in the morning, or upgrading his “Have a Nice Day” smiley face shirt to a “Have a Nice Day” smiley face bullet proof vest. Getting him those Air Jordans he wants so badly. He’d be one serious force to be reckoned with when he goes out to get the mail.
Troop Training Events? Imagine an actual Troop Training INFERNO! “Ok, Dianas! Immortals! Get in the basement! They go down, it’s all fiery and scary and hot. And Sexy. Everyone starts to sweat first, then decide clothes are just too much….then nature takes it’s course…and 9 months later, we have a bunch of new troops thanks to Daddy Imortals and Mommy Dianas! (You DO NOT want to know how they make Cataphracts….)
Or perhaps, New troops are made a lot like getting a Snickers Bar out of a candy machine. You put Food and Silver and wood and stone and ore into the candy machine, press a button, a little corkscrew thing spins, and some new troops are pushed from behind and dropped down to the bottom for you to retrieve.
KVK Kill events? Well, that’s kind of like when two high schools (one all boys, one all girls) get together for Prom. Each side will TRY to get an advantage on the other. Boys using their strength and size and machismo and bravado (Troops, cores, rallies) against the girls using their brains and feminine wiles (Trap accounts, fake rallying out, etc) Boy is thinking “Yeah, I flexed for her, so I’m getting lucky!” (GOW translation, Big SH cored up and ported next to enemy SH) Girl sarcastically says “Oh, you’re so big! Not gonna happen!” (Gow Translation: Shield) Boy said “Dang, I need to use this thing before time runs out (Cores, of course, what are YOU thinking) so he tells his posse to look for other targets. Eventually, after several other tries at hitting on some girls (several ports and rallies set) and getting turned down (Shields go up) the boy finds one a little too drunk to effectively turn him down (Off line in research gear) the boy attacks, and it’s over WAY too fast. (very few troops home) Boy brags about how awesome he is and tells tales of his conquests….girl wakes up (logs in) and barely remembers WHO the guy was, but is thinking of washing the icky feeling off for the next few hours (Healing troops)
Hotel rooms are paid for, (Chat rooms or PMs or LINE IDs exchanged) and some time later, both kingdoms walls go back up, and everyone goes back to their schools, drained, hung over, claiming victory. Then the results are released, and the Kingdom that wins and gets the gold is like the school that got the most alcohol and weed while getting the least pregnant or arrested.
In several ways, a RALLY is a lot like being in a gang (or at least a group of idiots who THINK they’re a gang) in real life. GENERALLY, all the members of the gang aren’t big or strong or tough or badasses, but whomever the leader of said group is would be the guy who makes everyone else THINK they’re tougher than they are alone. (Rally leader pops cores, everyone joins with their troops. In real life, this is like the leader of the gang says something intimidating like “Hey, you’re on my turf” or “That’s MY chocolate Milk” and the guys joining the rallies are the guys standing JUST a little behind the rally leader yelling “Yeah!” or “Better watch out or we’ll beat you up” or “If you do it again, I’m gonna tell dad!” )
Imagine being able to rally against a neighbors house with all your friends. Your friend is having a BBQ at his house (reinforced) and the music is too loud and it’s RAP music, you prefer country. (They’re from a different kingdom, or just pissed you off in KC (PTA meeting) once a few months ago and you never forgot) So you call your friends from all around. Declare at the top of your lungs out your front door “RALLY ON THE SMITH FAMILY! SEND YOUR ELEPHANTS!” Your friends hear the call, and garages open all up and down the block, (A few houses suddenly land (ATP) in your yard, then their garages open up) you stand at the front of the driveway, more and more elephants behind you, you put on your war gear, your fancy dress and high heels, tiara, some water wing things, some cool sunglasses, Looking your sharpest, or sexiest, depending on you, I guess, you hold up your sword and yell CHARGE! (Press attack) and you go out to the driveway end, turn right, march down the sidewalk, turn into their driveway, where they have some friends drinking beers in the front yard (reinforcements) that you march through, around the back of the house, stomping on as many people as you can with your elephants, destroying lawn chairs and such. When the rally is done, you realize their house is on fire, and you all rejoice. Then realize the BBQ is STOCKED full of burgers, steaks, chicken and hot dogs, the coolers are full of beers and other drinks. You call a few friends, they come over and everyone raids the BBQ and coolers (RSS) until there’s NOTHING left. Everyone heads back to their own homes, satisfied that their war was just, despite not actually knowing anything about the neighbor you just killed, nor any of his guests. The rally leader puts the now captured Mr Smith in his jail he built (converted one of his kids bedrooms) and waits 3 days to chop off his head. Once dead, Mrs Smith performs some sort of ritual and brings Mr Smith back to life and at home….and the whole process starts over again.
Little things, like combining pieces or cores to save room is like putting the tupperware one inside the other to save room.
Opening chests is like going through the boxes in your attic or garage that you have had there since you moved in to this house. No idea what you’re gonna get, you HOPE to find an expensive piece of artwork or rare baseball card (level 6 useful gem or core) but often just find garbage you don’t remember why you saved.
Researching the MARCH tree is kind of like telling your kids to go outside and play in the yard, hoping they learn the skills needed to become a professional athlete and support you in your old age.
Researching the DEFENSE tree is like putting plywood on your roof and windows in preparation for a storm predicted by the weather channel.
Going in the dungeon to kill the dragon is like trying to get the rats out of your basement. You kill one, there’s another one right behind it, but you just don’t have the energy for it.
Camping on a RSS tile is like going to COSTCO and buying 10 loaves of bread or 40 gallons of kool aid mix and waiting on line for 30 minutes to check out.
Camping on a level 1 gold tile is like checking every old pay phone you pass for a quarter left behind.
A Typical day for me in GOW vs Real Life:
GOW Version: I wake up and log in, collect my quests. It makes me feel better now that they’re gone.
Real Life Version:I wake up and stumble to the bathroom to do my morning liquid waste release. It makes me feel better now that it’s gone.
GOW: I collect my gifts I’ve accumulated overnight.
Real Life: Brush my teeth to rid my mouth of the awful taste I’ve accumulated overnight.
GOW: Put on my Hero gear for the task at hand. Monster gear? Research Gear? Troop Training gear? Maybe even during a KVK Kill Event, I check the cores I have ready to go and scan the kingdom for targets.
Real Life: Get dressed. What kind of day today? Yard Work? Sweats or shorts, old t-shirt. Dog training? Comfy clothes, grab some dog treats. Business lunch? Dress up a bit, look professional, shave, maybe deodorant, depending on the meeting. Killing Rats in the basement or changing my kids diapers? Rubber Hip Waders and plastic garbage bag for a shirt. industrial waste level gloves, gas mask, WW II helmet.
GOW: Scan the area around my SH and check the hive is ok. See if any DF or HV (Enemy alliances) have decided to port in my neighborhood.
Real Life: Pull back the bathroom shade and peek out the window, see if any garbage is in my front lawn from the neighbors, or if it’s raining or sunny, etc.
GOW: I tap out a few RSS tiles to start a build or research or troop build or new core piece or something. I see if anyone in alliance chat needs any RSS as long as I’m tapping.
Real Life: I open the refrigerator, grab out some various items and make myself and anyone else who’s around some breakfast, as long as I’m cooking.
GOW: I check my RSS storage, send RSS out to my hyper-partners. See if I’m low on anything I may need for later.
Real Life: I check the cupboard, see what snacks and junk food we have. In the mood for anything? Add it to the shopping list for the next time me or my wife go to the store.
GOW: I look for a monster to kill. Send out my hero and hopefully kill it. If not, wait till my hero comes back, add some energy, re-send my hero.
Real Life: I go out the front door, hoping for a new UPS delivery or something. Start to walk back inside, hear a possible UPS truck type sound off in the distance, I turn back around, listening intently for the sound trying to determine if it’s coming my way or not…..disappointed, I turn around and go back inside.
GOW: I log into my farms. Transfer, upgrade, transfer, upgrade, send the occasional farm hero out to hit a monster and likely do 0.01% damage to the monster because I’ve failed to do any sort of upgrading to his hitting power or gear. Hitting a Monster Boost does little to nothing to help.
Real Life: I get in the car and go to work. When there, I check what needs to be done, some paper work, I ask my employees to get some small tasks done, like “Staple this stack of papers in to groups of 3 papers” but instead they staple the papers end to end to make a giant 6′ tall shape of a number “3”. I ask them to make a few phone calls or get some sort of project done, and no matter how many Pixie Sticks i give them, or how much I upgrade their telegraph machine or teach them about the wonders of a pair of scissors, (The safety kind they let kindergartners use) the job always seems to be unfinished.
GOW: I give up trying to get anything accomplished in my farms, and being there is just a colossal time-suck. I log out and log back in to my main account.
Real Life: I give up trying to get anything accomplished at work, and being there is just a colossal time-suck. I lock up and drive home.
GOW: I feel like burning something, so scanning my bookmarks, I find nothing except an old dead account that sometimes has a bit of RSS in it. I march, and like 20 minutes later, flames are roaring. I feel tough. Manly. Studly. I pound my chest and make gorilla mating sounds.
Real Life: We decide to do BBQ for lunch. We get out the necessary hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken, steak, various side dishes, etc. Light the BBQ, flames roaring, meat will be cooked. I feel tough. Manly. Studly. I pound my chest and make gorilla mating sounds.
GOW: I send my hero out to use up some energy.
Real Life: I tell my son to get out of the house and play in the yard. Same reason.
GOW: I see activity in the hive. Rss marches and scouts running all over the place. I check Alliance Chat to see what’s going on. Someone took a hit from an enemy and are healing to take another hit. We watch the enemies gear, just in case.
Real Life: I hear a lot of chatter outside in the yard. I go out to check it out. My son organized a neighborhood dodge ball game, and the neighborhood bully is throwing rocks at a tree nearby. They’re all keeping one eye on him, just in case.
GOW: A smaller alliance mate needs some RSS. I send, then someone else sends it as well. They thank that person in AC, professing undying love and appreciating for the help. I get a “Oh, thanks, didn’t need it. You can recall.”
Real Life: I bring my dirty dishes to the sink. On the way there, my daughter brings HER dishes to the sink. My wife expresses her appreciation for my daughter cleaning up after herself and how thankful she is about it. I get a “Bout time you learned to clean up after yourself.”
GOW: I craft an amazing core piece. I want to brag about it. I post in AC about it. No one replies. A few minutes later, someone logs on and says “Anyone got food I can have?”
Real Life: UPS finally came! I got one of my new BBQ utensil set pieces. (I joined one of those NEW BBQ UTENSIL SET PIECE OF THE MONTH” clubs where they send you one new piece at a time, once every other month. In just 2 more years, I’ll have my tongs, spatula, 12 corn on the cob holders, “Kiss the Cook” apron and some sort of tool that I have no idea what it does.) I walk outside, I hold up my tongs. and expect neighborhood-wide appreciation. I get Steve from across the street saying “How about this weather”
GOW: It’s a TROOP TRAINING INFERNO! I gear my hero up, tap out RSS, pop a boost, almost start training before I remember to put on my helm, and proceed to waste all of my speedups and RSS on more t4 troops. A million or so later, I feel drained and out of RSS and Speedups, but at least I’ve grown a little bit in power.
Real Life: My wife asks me to walk the dog. I get the leash, put on my shoes, grab a few plastic bags, get the dog to sit, try to put on the leash, wipe the dog slobber off my face, try to get the leash on again, wipe dog slobber off face again, repeat repeat repeat, leash finally on, open the front door, nearly smash my face against the door frame as the dog pulls me out at 20 MPH. walk around the block, dog sniffs everything of interest. Once, just out of curiosity, I sniffed an area that my dog seemed abnormally interested in. I didn’t notice anything except a neighbor staring at me with a look on her face of a combination of confusion and disgust. I get home, and all I’ve gained was a little distrust from a neighbor, a separated shoulder from the dog pulling me around the block, and a bag of dog poop.
GOW: Someone posts Coords in AC about a battle going on. We all click the coords and proceed to make comments about the battle like “Why doesn’t he put cores on instead of relics?” or “It’s funny watching DF try to fill a rally” or “That guy isn’t going to take the hit, he’ll port or shield”
Real Life: Wife wants to watch a movie as a family. Unfortunately for me, I’ve raised a sarcastic lot of kids and during the movie, lots of comments like “Why don’t they just close the door?” or “Wait, I thought a kick to the face was illegal, how did Daniel win?” or “You know, he’s gonna die in the end.” Watching a movie with my family reminds me of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000, if you get the reference.
GOW: KILL EVENT STARTING! Clear farms, gear up, scan opponents kingdom for targets, remind alliance mates to shield up or be ready, etc.
Real Life: Thunderstorm coming. Save open computer documents, make sure phones are charged, look in neighbors backyard for things I can steal if they blow into my yard, etc.
GOW: Find a target, port over, march size increase, attack boost on, march, burning! Scan area for everything else I can burn while I’m here.
Real Life: Go to Costco. Need supplies just in case the storm puts us into a post apocalyptic dystopian society state. Buy milk, eggs, bread, (Just in case we absolutely NEED to have French Toast.) and then wander the aisles and pick up other sort-of needed items since I’m here anyway, like the 5 gallon jug of peanut butter, the 4 lb bucket of Cheese Balls, the “Family Pack” of Pop Tarts, stocking you up on those for the whole summer, a cool folding lawn chair, some costume jewelry, a new ergonomic computer mouse pad, etc. Since I’m here.
GOW: A Rally target is found. Coords are up. Port in. Add to rally. Watch the march. Watch the flames. Repeat. (Some people just can’t follow simple directions about how many troops to add or what type of troop, causing some to get blocked out of joining the rally, preventing them from gold even though some have gold already and send too much, saying they didn’t realize or slipped.)
Real Life: Someone at Costco just opened up one of those stands for free samples. I hear the chatter about it being at Aisle 14. I head over there, lots of others do as well, we reach in, grab a sample of a new brand of Bagel Bite, or a little cup of a new Spicy Mustard. I shove whatever it is into my mouth, then either chew and swallow, or chew and look for a place to spit it out. (Some people just can’t read the simple directions of “Take one please” causing some to not get a sample, even though those who took 2 or 3 of them pretending to take extras for their kid (Who wasn’t even there at the time) even though they had just eaten a full meal 20 minutes ago.)
GOW: Random around, finding people on tiles, or monsters to quickly kill, or some gold tiles just sitting around waiting to be camped on.
Real Life: Go to the next store for other supplies, like gas for the generator. While there, pick up things for worst case scenarios like plywood for windows, a back up gas generator in case the other one fails, a shot gun, a small canoe in case streets flood, etc. a HAM RADIO kit. (A do it yourself put together and build it yourself kit. Reasoning that if you lose power, you’ll likely have plenty of time to build it yourself since you can’t play GOW, and it’ll give you something to do.)
GOW: I find a great rally target! I core up, call out coords in AC, others port in and join, we pillage and zero the poor guy who was actually working or reading a bed time story to his kids or something and let his shield drop at an inopportune time. It gets me gold in the event.
Real Life: Driving home, I pass an interesting Yard Sale. I call my wife and have her bring the kids over to it. A few items we would probably never use, nor do we need them, but since they’re cheap, we MUST have them. We wait and pretend to shop further until the woman goes in to the bathroom or something, leaving her 12 yr old kid in charge. Perfectly timed, we go up, and do some sort of fake math that explains how all this stuff we’re loading into the back of our cars totals up to $8.50. I give him $10 and ask for exact change back. Then we get in our cars and drive away. It brings me great satisfaction to have bought the Nintendo NES games (even though we don’t have an NES), the 10 VHS movies (We no longer have a VCR), the FURBY, the Hungry Hungry Hippos game (without any marbles), the game of OPERATION (Tweezers missing) and those little stacking rings you let babies play with. (Missing the blue one) But At least now, we have more stuff than we had earlier, so we feel like we’ve won.
GOW: Kill event nearly over. We port to the wonder to try to take it over at the last minute before the event ends, our rally leader sets his cores, we march, we win, WOO HOO!
Real Life: At the grocery store, I spy a little old lady with 11 items aiming for the express aisle (10 items or less) and at the last second, before she gets in line (illegally, of course) I casually mention to no one in particular that there’s a sale on prunes and metamucil in Aisle 3. She lifts her head and looks, slowing down just enough for me to sneak in front of her in the express aisle. I WIN! WOO HOO!
GOW: The cores I popped are still active, and pretty strong. I look through my bookmarks again, find a nice sized DF, unshielded, in research gear. (Interesting, since DF has done so little research as a whole…makes you wonder why they bother with research gear crafting at all?!) I port in, Solo him, several marches later, it’s a crushing victory, it’s over quickly, flames, hate mail will follow, I got the hero. I’m happy, satisfied, I port back to the hive, reset my hero for overnight and log out.
Real Life: My wife walks into the room, wearing her “Come upstairs….now” outfit. (No shield) I race upstairs (ATP would be nice at this point) and proceed to do to her pretty much the same thing I just did to that DF player….hehe…..including the likely hate mail to follow. I curl up in the blanket and close my eyes.
Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.
Leg Humper is my Hero!