Best Rally Trap in Game of War!
Ponzi Scheme? Or just a LOT of Alcohol and GOW?
OK, so let me put things in perspective before I tell you about the Best Rally Trap in Game of War.
I’m awesome. Yeah, we all already know this. But recently, Darkthorne, the MAKER of this site you’re currently visiting, the discoverer of the great talent that is me, Leg Humper, has recently “hired” another blogger.
STLDOC, sure, eloquent, intelligent, informative, yes. But Leg Humpers level?
CERTAINLY NOT! Where was the SARCASM? Where was the HUMOR? Where was the innuendos and hidden meanings behind the otherwise apparently benign references? Where were the silly tangents to absolutely the STRANGEST places? Nowhere. Ugh. So. If NOTHING comes of this blog other than you learn that this is a LEG HUMPER (c) BLOG, not some WANNA-BE awesome blogger blog, then I will be satisfied.
However, there was actually something interesting that happened recently in my Kingdom.
Setting of the Most Epic Rally Trap Ever!
Imagine a college frat party. Hot women everywhere, drunk men who spend FAR more time in the gym than they need, everywhere, TRYING to hook up with every single woman there. Alcohol, beer pong, toga, guys swallowing goldfish, keg stands, rival schools mascot (a wombat perhaps?) etc. You know, the typical stereotypical movie-esque version of a Frat party. Think ANIMAL HOUSE mixed with REVENGE OF THE NERDS and the pool scene from CADDY SHACK.
So, imagine guys from the frat Vagi Kappa, name changed to protect the innocent, drunk, beers in hand, all fist bumping about their recent conquests, chest bumping, maybe grabbing each others butts just a little when no one was watching.
This alliance has a president, SLAP-UP (Name changed to protect the innocent) and many “vice presidents” who make policy, but actually never talk to each other about the policy they’ve set. One VP, POJ (Name changed to protect the innocent) says “They bumped into me first, lets shoot them all in the head and grind their teeth into powder!” While another one NOOBA goes to the window upstairs and claims “We have 600 kegs! We have selfies to prove it!” (and when another VP says “no, we don’t”, NOOBA gets pissed off and slaps him for disagreeing.)
SO, LONG story-Short….bahahahahahah (I don’t do short stories)
They are all chatting with each other, and decide who is the hottest girl in the room. They decide it’s pretty obvious. a girl named ZONPI (Name changed to protect the AWESOME!). They see her, and just like in a movie, she’s all lit up with spot lights, everything around her pales in comparison, angels singing, etc.
They decide as a group that they are gonna “Hit dat.”
The story that follows is an accurate account of the events that transpired 2 days ago: (All names changed to protect the not-so-innocent)
So, ZONPI is sitting on the couch in the middle of the room. Wine glass in one hand, the other held up elegantly as she tells the story of her time in Europe.
President SLAP-UP stands up and puts his arms out as if to hold everyone back behind him, and says,
“This one is mine. I will get her. She will be mine. I’ve been waiting a LONG time for this. If this doesn’t work out for some reason, blame someone else for me please? Like that guy over there” (He randomly points somewhere across the room) “and tell everyone it wasn’t my idea.”
He proceeds to saunter across the room, deftly avoiding any drunken idiots scattered about the floor, gets to ZONPI and sits down next to her. We can’t hear what he says, but he leans in, cheesy smile, says something, nods his head toward the stairs as if to say “Those go up, you know.” and she turned to him, looked him straight in the eye, said nothing, but gave him a right cross across the jaw that knocked him back and over the back of the couch. Unconscious. The crowd stares at what just happened, STUNNED for a moment, then just bust out laughing and go back to dancing. (A button that was knocked off his polo shirt, rolls across the floor and settles under the fridge)
Then NOOBA, (Yeah, the crazy one who was yelling out of the windows upstairs) says “Guys, I got this. See this body? I bought almost all of it on eBay, and all my implants and plastic surgery was done by a guy behind Wal-Mart by a guy named BILLY. I’m tough enough to take her best shot. No need to worry. But, if anything goes wrong, tell everyone it was ZONPIs fault please! She brought this on herself or something. Thanks!”
She takes a few steps toward ZONPI and slips on some vomit, falls on her face right at ZONPIs feet, unconscious. The crowd doesn’t even notice, other than the fact that they can now hear the DJ blasting the music a little better without all the screaming.
Outside, pulling up to the curb in his Apple Red Ferrarri, “The EMIR” has shown up. He exits the car, wearing a tuxedo, smoking a cigar, wearing sunglasses, even though it’s dark outside. The guy walks in slow motion, flashing a “Peace” sign to everyone he makes eye contact with, with 2 beautiful ladies on his arm. He throws out roses to some of his adoring fans. People clear out of his way as he walks. James Bond theme song playing in the background, people pointing in awe. He’s HERE! No WAY!
He walks in to the party, women nearby faint in his presence. He’s a sight to behold. And he looks at the situation, sees ZONPI on the couch, an unconscious and now drooling SLAP-UP and NOOBA lying in a pool of vomit. He whispers something in the ear of one of the ladies on his arm and she goes over to the nearest guy wearing a toga, PJ O’Toole, and pulls it off of him. He covers his crotch with one hand and his boobs with the other and runs out the front door. She takes the toga and lays it down on the floor as a cover for the unknown fluids and NOOBAs corpse. The lovely ladies then sprinkle rose petals in front of him as he moves in. He walks up to ZONPI and puts his hand out as if asking her to dance. He says nothing. She stands, smiles, and leans in close to him. She reaches up to his ear and STABS him with a syringe, The Emir puts his hand to his neck, a look of shock on his face, and his eyes roll up in his head, he falls to the floor. Amazingly enough, he falls to the floor gracefully and smoothly, as one would expect.
Crowd, stunned, music comes to a screeching halt.
The naked man JP O’Toole screaming and crying like a baby on the front lawn attracts the attention of the other nearby Frat houses. Both Frat House Justa-Hafta-Foulitupforeveryone, and Frat House Iota-Dontata-Fewtoo come pouring out into the yard and approach the Vagi-Kappa house.
They enter, a few bro-hugs are exchanged, a nod to each other as if to say “I got your back, bro” Duckie and Rudy interlock fingers and off they go, hand in hand, maybe even skipping a little? But however they approached, it didn’t last long. They approached Zonpi as she stared at them, they tried to spread apart and planned to attack at the same time, and as they both came in for a punch to Zonpis face, she ducked low, gave them each a punch to the nether-region, resulting in them punching each other in the face. and falling into each others arms, in a touching embrace. Zonpi stepped forward, and the 2 boys slumped to the floor, still holding each other.
Next up, The President of Iota-Dontata-Fewtoo, a guy named “Butter Cup”, takes his best shot, walking straight up to Zonpi, wearing his 3/4 khaki cargo shorts and his “I don’t hit women” t-shirt that might have been a bit tight, and points, across the room, as if to try to distract Zonpi. She looks, but she’s not fooled. He punches at the back of her head, she lifts her hand and GRABS his punch. Arnold Schwartzisstronginthisone Style. She turns his hand, he goes up on his tippy toes. She looks at him, makes eye contact, and gestures with her other hand to lift his chin, he does, and a BIG over hand right to his jaw lays him out!
The pace of the action picks up a bit, and the DJ is starting to play more fight-themed music and the crowd is chanting ZONPI…..ZONPI….ZONPI!
Who will be next? Before the next person comes running in to attack, Slap-Up wakes up and breaks one of his teeth that he things has a Hemlock pill in it and ingests it. Turns out it’s pot, and he just gets really stoned all of a sudden. He wanders around the room, looking for a door to leave this place, finds a lamp in the corner, and starts flirting with it. (Little known part of this story, Slap-Up took this lamp up stairs and tried to get a little “fresh” with it. At one point, he was electrocuted in a very sensitive area of his body, to which he whispered to himself and the lamp “I knew I could turn you on, baby.” But I digress……
LowWalker is next, and grabs a baseball bat from the corner of the room, charges in, winds up, takes a swing at her kneecaps, Zonpi jumped straight up, and landed down on the bat, bringing LowWalker down to the floor along with it. She lifted one leg, and stepped down hard……. splashing some vomit in his eyes and making him writhe around in agony on the ground.
(While LowWalker was attacking, very few people noticed this, but a girl, wearing a Burger King crown on her head, calling herself “War Queen” or something similar, comes out of the nearby closet and tried to stab Zonpi in the back. She ended up walking into a metal pole, however, and was knocked cross-eyed. It was Q.uite A.n O.bvious J.oke of an attack. (Later, when things calmed down a bit, still cross eyed, she declared that she only lost because Zonpi cheated somehow, even though she couldn’t prove it. She also believed that Elvis and Ghandi are still alive and well, and that THOSE two jerks are the ones who send all those “You’ve won the Uganda Lottery, please send me your bank information” e-mails that she’s never gotten a DOLLAR from.)
Surrounded by the riff-raff that was left of the 3 frat houses, Zonpi realized that being out-numbered she’d better relocate. She took off to the stairs and ran up. half way up, she turned and kicked ColdAngel in the teeth, knocking her back into the others who were following.
They climbed over her body and kept charging. At the top of the stairs, they turned left and were met with a wombat in the hallway. Zonpi standing behind the wombat, with a slight smile on her face. Apparently, this wombat is a highly trained killing machine. (That could probably defend an entire Frat House City, if it would ever get the chance, don’t you think, MZ?)
Zonpi had charmed this Wombat into allowing her safe passage while protecting her from any others. The Wombat leaped toward the crowd and bit “Sigh” in the face, and clawed at ElTacoSupremes neck. The others, seeing their opportunity to allow their friends to be killed as a distraction for their own gains, ran on down the hallway after Zonpi.
Zonpi ran into a room and closed the door, ran to the other side of the room and opened a window. Seconds later, the door burst open, with everyone charging in and pushing each other to enter.
Mr. Hot Air Himself, The self proclaimed “War General” who “generally” doesn’t participate in wars, (it’s a hipster thing, you know, ironic?) There he stood. Ball-lite. Standing there, he realized it was a roughly fair fight, Him, this BIG BURLY “war” general, massive in size, and Zonpi, a small, waif-ish little woman who just wants to protect herself. He realizes that fair fights scare him, so he pushed both ExSerGuy and some dude nick named “Warm Devils Testicle” in front of him as a human shield. Unfortunately, they went flying right out the window.
Now he feels obligated to fight, since everyone who followed him up the stairs (and climbed over the still fighting wombat) were watching. He walks forward, all brave, and gets in her face. Just staring at her, being as tough as he can be, and whispers:
“Please don’t hurt me, I’m not a real fighter, I just wear these plastic muscles so I look big to try to scare people and hope they never attack me. Please. I beg you!”
She nods, in understanding, and pokes a finger into his chest as if to make a point. Well, her well manicured nails, sharper than expected, punctured The War General and his FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST around the room like a balloon deflating. People ducking as he FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST by. After a good 20 minutes of hot air coming out of him, it was finally over, and no one knew where he ended up.
There were only 2 threats left. First, Garter Snake, comes into the room, sees what happened to “War General” and ran straight at Zonpi. Half way there, stopped, said “Oh wait, my war isn’t with you, it’s with that guy!” and points at some random guy in the crowd. She pulls out a knife and runs, stops, and changes directions, going after someone else. Before reaching her new target, she stands up and declares, “This is stupid, why do we fight, all that will happen is we will both get hurt, and no one wins! We should work together to make this the best Frat house EVER!” and then she takes off running at Zonpi.
Before she reaches Zonpi, Zonpi takes out of her pocket a Tennis ball. She holds it up for Garter Snake to see. Garter Snake stops and stares at it. Zonpi shakes it, Garter Snakes eyes unblinking, not letting the tennis ball out of her sight! Zonpi throws the ball into the nearby closet, Garter snake runs in after it, and Zonpi closes the door behind her, clicking the lock. The crowd goes NUTS! Whoops and high fives! DJ blasting music to celebrate, people congratulating Zonpi on taking out these 15 aggressors. Many in the crowd taking “selfies” with the unconscious bodies of some of the more notorious Frat House troublemakers. Some drawing pictures on their faces in sharpee, etc.
The party heads back downstairs and Zonpi sits back on her original spot on the couch, where her night began, and smiles, looking around at all the unconscious bodies. JUST as she’s about to continue her previously interrupted story of her travels through Europe, a SHOT is heard from across the street on a rooftop. Before anyone else can react, Zonpi had reached down and grabbed the head of one of the nearby bodies. Noobas head turned out to be the perfect choice, as the bullet, shot from the gun of the last remaining conscious frat boy, goes in one eye and loops around, uninterrupted by absolutely anything inside, slid around and came out the other eye, directly back at the shooter, passing right through his thigh. Suddenly off balance, he falls off the roof right into the Frat Pool where Slap-Up had apparently kept his pet piranha. The piranha didn’t seem to enjoy the taste, so he made it out alive.
Zonpi, now a bit more relaxed, turns to her conversation partner on the couch and continues her story. She’s obviously been trying to impress this guy with her stories and with her fighting prowess. She’s smitten, and it’s understandable.
On the couch, right next to her, there is Leg Humper, listening intently.
Thanks for reading this far about the Best Rally Trap in Game of War! I hope you enjoyed it!
Hero: Leg Humper
Alliance: Mad Guardians
Kingdom: 106, Krainarius
p.s. Ponzi did a phenomenal job taking and keeping all those heroes, 16 in all. The combined total of the power of the SHs who attacked her unsuccessfully (2 at a time within seconds, TWICE, and from 3 different alliances) is likely more than some whole alliances!
Thank you Ponzi for the great show and thank the rest of you all for attacking and making for a fun and entertaining night!
p.p.s. For those of you who were “named” in this and other blogs, please don’t take offense. It’s all just having a bit of fun, right?! =)