So, I’ve actually been asked by several people, more than I would have expected, some even in DF and HV, to write another blog detailing the current situation of 4 big players with their heroes in Candys prison. Well, normally, I don’t take requests, but for this, I’ll make an exception. Keep in mind, that what follows is an account of what I BELIEVE is likely happening, or has happened, depending on when you read this, or whether you’re a time traveler or not.
As you can probably tell, I get an imagery in my head and run with it. The only thing I’ve gotten as an image in my head is something along the lines of a 1970s Sit-Com with canned laughter from the “Studio Audience” telling us when we should know something was funny.
The cast of Characters:
Candy: The Landlord, the Mr Furley, Mr Roper, the guy who owns the building and hates that the meddling kids are living in his building and he can’t get them out. Ultimately, good hearted, though he tends to be the one the other cast members come together for a common cause against.
FightAngel: The cute blonde, kind of ditzy, (actually very intelligent, but plays the ditzy blonde up to make trouble, or get out of trouble when needed) Falls for everyone’s tricks, (Especially DahaeFighters because of the immense crush she has on him. There’s a whole backstory here, but the short version is that she saw his face on a magazine ad for male prostitutes, but the picture was of him in his High School baseball uniform. She cut it out, and pasted it on her wall in her bedroom, giving it a little kiss each time she left her room. One day, she was sitting in a streetside cafe, drinking an espresso, when DahaeFIghter walked in, sunglasses, nice suit, cut the long line of waiting customers, walked up to the front, said to the counter girl, “I’d like a large pizza, with the works. I’m DahaeFighter. Make it happen.” Lightning bolts. Electricity. hearts in place of eyes. Her heart pounding out of her chest. DahaeFighter turned and leaned his back against the counter while he took out a nail file and filed his nails, the staff of the cafe trying to explain that they didn’t have pizza……)
Sexy Viper: The Janet (From Threes Company, a 1970s Sitcom, likely getting promoted as the NEW ADVENTURES OF MR ROPER AND FRIENDS in Russia this summer, as Mr Roper would be the obvious Hero that Russians would relate to most.) or Velma from Scooby Doo. (Talking dogs seem to be more common in Russia than anywhere else, due to the large amounts of Vodka being drunk, as it’s often used as a substitute for milk on kids cereals, etc) or the Monica from Friends (In Russia, this is a futuristic telling of a story in which people are actually friends with each other, joke with each other, and actually get along with each other. This is a foreign concept in Russia, and Russian GOW alliances, I’m told.)
Archerus: The rich friend who is always bankrolling the groups “Schemes” and is constantly being taken advantage of for his generocity.
QAOJ: The old lady neighbor who constantly yells out one liners, living in the past, can’t get along with much of anyone. Lives in the building with all these people, yet none of them really have ever spoken to her, they just make jokes about her being a crazy cat lady, or being married to her plants. Likely wears a “House Dress” 24-7. Often forgets she’s wearing face cream. Cigarette hanging off her bottom lip, looking like it might drop at any moment.
DahaeFighter: The former High School sports star, who just keeps living in the past. Thinking that his glory from High School will carry him through in life. Still offers to give autographs instead of paying for checks at restaurants. His friends often have to pay his checks for him, as he often signs his autograph on the check, then says “Don’t sell that on eBay” and leaves.
DieIfYouTry: The punk teenage neighborhood boy, left alone all day long, who really needs a mother to discipline him, but instead, rides his skateboard around, causing mischief and carnage. Likely has at least some knowledge of where a dead body is buried, whether he has any involvement, that’s part of his mystery, and creepiness.
Big Balla: Likely won’t show up in this episode, as normally, he’s just a guest star when they have an episode where they all go visit a farm or something.
Cheesy music playing in the background. Scenes of the outside of the building they all live in. Random scenes of parks, cars on streets, hobos begging for food in Russia, etc. Cut to each star of the show getting a few seconds to do a silly self intro pose.
ARCHERUS walks on screen, holding a martini in one hand, lovely lady on his arm, dressed in a tuxedo, cigar in his mouth, sunglasses on, despite the fact that he’s indoors, sexy blonde girl drops something on the floor, bends over exposing lots of cleavage. He looks down, then looks at the camera and gets a wry smile on his face…..FREEZE-FRAME….ARCHERUS
Sexy Vipers opening credit scene is her cooking in the kitchen, 4 pots, something in the oven, water in the sink, she’s wearing oven mitts, she opens the oven, big cloud of smoke comes out, Sexy Viper turns to the camera, now with black dust on her face, tilts her head to the side….FREEZE FRAME….Sexy Viper
DahaeFighter walking down the street, sees a kid on his front porch doing his homework, walks up the driveway, takes the paper and pen from the kids hand, signs an autograph across his 2nd grade math homework, turns to the camera in his cheesiest fake celebrity smile, FREEZE-FRAME…DahaeFighter (if you look closely, the 2nd grader is looking at the now autographed math homework like “Who the heck is this?”)
QAOJ: She’s mowing her lawn in her flowered house dress, with some sort of netting covering her hair, big thick horn rimmed glasses on, slippers, she steps in dog poop, looks down, disgusted, looks at the camera and scowls….FREEZE-FRAME. QAOJ (The irony here is that the dog poop was left there by a dog she once passed on the street. She said to the owner “What an ugly dog.” and kept walking. The dog remembered.
FightAngel walks in from the kitchen, holding a plate of spaghetti, realizes she forgot something, turns around, walks into the swinging door, spaghetti and sauce now sticking on her shirt. She squeezes her lips together, puts her hands out in an “I don’t know what happened” pose, FREEZE-FRAME… FightAngel
DieIfYouTry skateboards by a kid with a lemonade stand in his front yard, takes some lemonade, spits it back in the kids face, pushes the kid to the floor, overturns the lemonade stand table, turns to the camera, shakes his fist in anger like a child throwing a tantrum, FREEZE FRAME…DieIfYouTry
Bow chicka bow bow…… cheesy porn music playing……. Candy walks in through a crowd of guys all trying to get her to pay attention to them, she walks straight through the center, directly at the camera, stops, poses like she’s on the red carpet, hands on hips smiles “DING” as a sparkle happens in her teeth, FREEZE FRAME…..Candy
Archerus: “So, Dahaefighter, I hear you had some run ins on tiles last night with Candy? How’d that go for you?”
DahaeFighter: “Not great. She stole a monster kill from me. So I decided to get even….but ended up just ALMOST killing her monster, but she got the kill.” (Crowd laughs)
Archerus: “Well, maybe you should try researching the monster tree or making gear to help?”
DahaeFighter: “Wait? What is this research you are talking about?” (Crowd laughs)
Archerus: “Nevermind” (End scene, crowd applauds)
New location, local eatery. Candy is sitting with several of her MGD friends, “So get this, I found an offline DF with a hero on a tile. Wanna capture it? I have a plan!”
Others: “We’re in!”
Candy: “Ok ,here’s the plan….” They huddle together to talk, fade to black, end scene.
New Location, living room, Archerus, DahaeFighter, Sexy Viper and QAOJ sitting around.
QAOJ: “Hey DahaeFighter, where’s your girlfriend, I haven’t seen her all day?”
DahaeFighter: “I don’t know. I don’t control her. She can do whatever she wants. But come to think of it, she is way overdue for her hourly pack purchase…….I’ll pretend to be worried, but I’m actually very angry.”
Archerus: “I see her! She’s across the street! Look! (Hands DahaeFighter the binoculars he usually uses to watch KVK Kill Events from afar.)
Dahae Fighter: “Yes, I see her, she went and got captured by that Candy girl from MGD. QAOJ, go save her for me!”
QAOJ:” You do it yourself, you’re the buff sports star…..wait…..” (She looks at DahaeFigher up and down…realizes he’s definitely NOT what he used to be) “Ok, I’ll go get her.”
QAOJ puts on battle gear consisting of a tinfoil helmet, cardboard chest armor, one smoke colored oven mitt and a rubber chicken as her weapon of choice. (Still wearing her flowery house dress underneath, and still in her slippers, she walks out the door) End Scene.
New location, Candy’s apartment, interior.
(Knock on the door. no answer…..knock knock, POUND POUND……no answer…..tries the doorknob, door opens, QAOJ walks in. Ready for battle, she sees FightAngel locked in a cage in the center of the room. They nod at each other, FightAngel embarrassed she got caught, QAOJ glad she’s embarrassed, because she SHOULD be. QAOJ shakes the cage door, it’s locked. Sees a sign for “JAIL KEY” with a hole underneath it and an arrow pointing to the hole. QAOJ reaches in the hole, feels around, finds the key, grabs it, but she can’t pull out her hand! The hole was big enough to fit her hand in, but with a closed fist, she’s stuck in there. It’s a MONKEY TRAP!
FightAngel says “Let go of the key, you can get your hand out!
QAOJ: “But then I won’t have the key”
FightAngel: ” But then you’ll be free and can find another way to save me!”
QAOJ: “I don’t understand you, so I’ll no longer be listening to you.” Then turned her focus to pulling her hand repeatedly back in unsuccessful attempts to get her hand out of the hole.
(Scene fades to black, comes back to same scene with “THREE HOURS LATER” words at the bottom of the screen. Fades to black again.)
Archerus and DahaeFighter, sitting and chatting with Sexy Viper.
Sexy Viper “Hey, you guys notice how quiet and relaxing it’s been around here? But I DO I miss FightAngel.”
Archerus: “It’s been very nice and quiet. Yes. I’m just sitting here, enjoying my 3rd bottle of vodka, thinking how much nicer it is. I miss FightAngel too.”
DahaeFighter: “Hey, here’s more vodka for you both. Wanna go save my girlfriend?”
Archerus: “Sure, Viper, let’s go get her!”
Archerus and Sexy Viper leave. Viper in her actual war gear, Archerus, drunk enough to believe his regular suit is a suit of armor.
DahaeFighter: talking to himself while looking out his window from his apartment. “Wow, lots of fires out there….I see my friends and alliance mates burning, losing power and troops all over the place….idiots….” He walks to the front door, checks the chain lock, the dead bolt, the big piece of wood across the door, satisfied, he walks back to his spot at the window. “I remember when I was king of all I surveyed. People feared me. I could attack anyone. People ran. Now…..I’m lucky if I can sell my autograph on eBay. I miss my glory days. But at least I got them to give me enough RSS and gold to buy this sweet Deluxe Blue Skirt Protection Plan from the alarm company. It’s been a real life saver.”
New Location. Back at Candys apartment.
Candy is cooking dinner for her prisoners. She’s quite the good hostess. FightAngel thanks her while she sips on her wine and her perfectly prepared fish dinner is smelling fantastic. QAOJ, struggling with her fist in the hole still.
Candy: “QAOJ, if you just let go of the key, you can get your hand out, and you can enjoy a nice meal.”
QAOJ: “You’re stupid, I’m too smart for you. I won’t fall for your tricks. I will no longer be listening to you!”
Candy: “Good, I’m blocked from QAOJ chat, just like the rest of my friends are!”
FightAngel and Candy are enjoying their meal when there’s a knock at the door.
Candy opens the door. It’s Sexy Viper.
Candy:” Hey! come on in!”
Sexy Viper “Thanks! What’s that delicious smell?”
Candy: “Just made dinner, want some?”
Sexy Viper: “Sure!”
Candy opens the jail cell door, says “Grab a seat, I’ll bring some out!”
Sexy Viper enters the jail cell, gives FightAngel a little hug and a kiss on the cheek, sits down, Candy brings her out a plate and a glass of wine, casually shuts the jail cell door….CLANK….
Another knock on the door. Some sort of drunken slurred speech coming from the hallway. It SOUNDS like “Peace! I want Peace for Dahae! I’ll kill you all if I don’t get it! Wait…no..I mean…I want to work WITH you all for a better Dahae, one in which we can tile each other or attack anyone we want, while being completely at peace with each other!” Candy listens a little, looks at Sexy Viper and FightAngel, all three shrug their shoulders, she opens the door, THWAP! Archerus falls onto the floor, drunk, unconscious, smiling….
Candy looks at the two cellmates “Is this normal?”
Both Sexy Viper and FightAngel in unison “Every night”
Crowd laughs. End Scene.
Sad violin music plays for a montage of scenes.
Archerus drinking a cup of coffee in the jail cell with Sexy Viper and FightAngel. Looking hung over and miserable.
Sexy Viper sitting back on her chair, one foot up on the seat with her, smoking a cigarette, staring out the window at all the burning DF homes.
FightAngel pacing the cell, running her hands along the bars, seeming like she misses someone…..
DahaeFighter sitting in his chair, with his remote control for his Blue Skirt alarm system in hand, staring out the window, shaking his head at the stupidity of all the DF players who got burned.
Candy, sitting on her couch, watching TV, sipping her drink, cabana boys rubbing her feet and shoulders, waving large palm fronds to cool her down.
QAOJ, looking slightly crazier than last we saw her, STILL trying to figure out how to get her hand out of the hole. Still yanking her arm back over and over, with the same results. hair frazzled….clothes looking slightly worn….
DieIfYouTry, shooting spitballs at the backs of the heads of little old ladies playing bingo.
Big Balla…sitting at home, staring at his phone, waiting for someone to call and say “Hey! Found a farm with it’s shield down! Core up!”
End Scene. Commercial break.
Commercials for Adult Diapers, Viagra, Metamucil, KY Jelly, Walkers and canes, retirement communities, etc. All sponsor the show because DahaeFighter is perceived to be over the hill, so the average age of the audience for this show is over 70.
Back from Commercial. Time has passed. DahaeFighter is now wrapped in his blanket, has a Cabbage Patch doll on his lap he’s hugging. (The current new fad in Russia now-a-days) Still staring out the window, smoldering husks of DF cities in the distance. He goes in the kitchen, comes out with several boxes of supplies. Goes in the basement, comes up with more boxes. Spreads them out, starts unpacking.
Candys Jail Cell:
Candy has been sharpening her Guillotine blade all morning. Tomorrow morning, FightAngel will die. Archerus and Sexy Viper have been canoodling a lot over the last day or so. Prison cells are apparently romantic to the two of them. FightAngel is starting to look forward to her death, just to get out of the room with these two.
QAOJ, Hair completely disheveled, flowered house dress is torn in several places. Still yanking her arm in and out of the hole, holding the key. Whole body shaking back and forth as she fights to drag her hand out of the hole.
Archerus whispering something in Sexy Vipers ear about buying her a house or a speedup pack or something.
Deliveries of Ore, Wood, Stone, Food and silver have been pouring in from all over the kingdom, supporting Candy in her efforts to kill these heroes. All of Dahae, gifting her Speedups and Rss, helping her out, is a true testament to just how unified Dahae is against DF. The ironic thing is that DF had several chances over the last year or so to ally with the other big alliances. But the EGO of their former High School sports star of the week has prevented it.
Knock Knock! “Hello?!?! Anyone home?! It’s LEG HUMPER!”
(Crowd goes wild, whoop whoops, cheering, clapping, women fainting, guys high fiving each other, the works)
Candy opens the door. “Hey Leg Humper!” and proceeds to give him a big wet sloppy kiss. The best kind.
Leg Humper drops down, humps her leg briefly, (It’s his version of a hand shake) The walks in the living room, stares at QAOJ, writhing back and forth, trying to free her arm. Looks at FightAngel in the jail cell, and there’s a hanging bed sheet now, separating the jail cell into two “rooms”. In the other “room” is Archerus, sitting casually on his cot, Sexy Viper filing his nails for him.
Leg Humper “Hey Candy! I see you’ve caught a few heroes! How’d you do that?!”
Candy. “Honestly, just sitting around at home, they kept showing up and trapping themselves!”
Leg Humper “That’s great. Are you going to kill them all? Can I help with QAOJ?”
Candy: “I think for the good of the Kingdom of Dahae, they all need to die. I only wish I could collect the complete set. Only problem with that is that Ballas hero never leaves his house unless it’s for a farm, and DieIfYouTry is so slimy, he can wiggle through the bars of any jail cell. It’s like catching a greased pig. I’d LOVE for you to help me kill QAOJ!”
Candy: “Well, FightAngel, it’s time to die!
Fight Angel: “Oh good. I’m frankly tired of sharing a cell with these two. First they were SPOONING, But last night, they were FORKING! Ugh. The worst part, is they kept calling out names. They were BOTH saying “Oh Archerus, you’re the best!” Kinda creepy, if you ask me!”
Candy: “Ok, let’s get this over with fast for you then!”
Candy led FightAngel out of the cell, down the hallway to the killing area. There’s a large window where hundreds of Dahae Heroes are sitting to watch the show. FightAngel voluntarily sits down on the bench, and lays back on the table, looking up at the guillotine blade.
Candy: “Don’t you want to face down?”
FightAngel: “No. Ever since I got in a relationship with DahaeFighter I knew that this would eventually be coming. Can I have a final request though?”
Candy: “That seems reasonable”
FightAngel: “Can Leg Humper hold me while you drop the blade?”
Candy looks at Leg Humper….he nods.
He walks silently over, and curls up on the bench with her, head on her stomach, her arms around him. She closes her eyes, and as the rope is being pulled tight by Candy to release the blade, she screams out “DF FOREVER! YOU CAN ALL DIE! I WILL TILE YOU AGAIN! I WILL KILL YOUR BEST HEROES! I WILL BE RESURRECTED AND BE MEANER AND BETTER THAN EVER!” Then she pulled an unsuspecting Leg Humpers head up toward hers. The blade dropped while all those in attendance gasped…..
Fade to black
Fade back out to see Leg Humper sitting on a chair, big white bandage on his head.
Candy:” Boy, THAT was a close one!”
Leg Humper “Escaped that one by the skin of my teeth!”
Candy:” More like the skin of your forehead!”
Leg Humper: “well, I hope we learned a valuable lesson here tonight. Never trust a DF player. No matter how sincere they might be.”
Crowd of onlookers: “Well Duh!”
New Location, DahaeFighters Apartment
DahaeFighter, back in his apartment, has been laying out Talismans, religious artifacts, voodoo dolls, pictures of famous Russians named Vladimir or Oleg or Boris or Jim. Burning candles, burning incense, burning cookies he had in the oven, all of it to perform the “Bring someone back from the dead” Ritual. He performs a ritualistic dance, slaps a drum for a while, cuts his hand and drips blood into a boiling cauldron of ingredients that would make the worst Chicken Soup you could imagine. Then, when he realizes it’s the right time, realizes everything is in place, he goes over to his closet. Opens the door, takes out a shoe box he has kept on the top shelf for exactly this purpose. From inside, he takes out a small wooden box with a hinged lid. Places it carefully on the table in the center of the room. He looks around again to make sure everything is correct and in place. Satisfied, he unlatches the box and slowly opens the lid. A warm golden glow appears, illuminating the whole room. A look inside reveals what looks like a glass cover, and a button inside. He unhooks the small hammer embedded inside the lid, and raises the hammer up over his head, ready to swing down a MIGHTY blow to the glass. He swings as hard as he can! CRASHING down on the glass comes the hammer…….and it bounces off, not even scratching it a little.
He tries again, trying to hit harder and harder, taking running starts, jumping off a chair down onto it, going out to the garden and grabbing some large rocks (being careful to reset his Blue Skirt Alarm System and rebolting and deadlocking his door once inside) and tries smashing it with a rock, throwing the rock, everything! He just can’t hit hard enough to break the glass anymore. He’s forced to look at himself in the mirror, realizing he’s just a shell of his former self. No longer the heavy hitter. No longer even able to break glass.
New location: Community Pool
DieIfYouTry is hanging out at the local pool. He’s very smart, looking around, waiting for all interested adults to look away, then pushes small children into the pool. He derives great enjoyment from this. Another favorite pool activity is when he goes over to the lazy river, with his snorkeling gear on, and small needle in his hand. Swimming under the water, he sneaks up on people just trying to enjoy a lazy afternoon in the sun, and pops a small hole in the inner-tube they are using to stay afloat. It’s not a huge WOOSH of air, but more like a small leak that causes them to slowly sink into the water. Some of them can swim. Some not. He doesn’t care. Still, enjoys it immensely. (His opinion is that if they can’t swim, they shouldn’t be in the water.)
New Location: Ballas home.
Balla, still staring at his phone, waiting for it to ring, mumbles to himself “I wonder where all those guys went?”
New location: Candys Apartment
Leg Humper and Candy are discussing the days events.
Candy: “Do you believe her? She tried to kill you, even after you agreed to console her in her last moments?”
Leg Humper: “Not the first woman who’s tried to kill me, won’t be the last.”
Candy: “So, how do you want to take care of QAOJ?”
Leg Humper and Candy are distracted by a baby crying coming from the jail cell.
They pull back the makeshift privacy curtains and the scene is revealed to be Sexy Viper sitting on the cot, holding a newborn. Archerus is smoking a cigar, looking very pleased with himself. He hands Leg Humper a piece of old parchment with some ancient looking calligraphy writing on it. It reads as follows:
A great hero, Humper of Legs
Captured by the evil empire
Will rise up to lead
By watching others bind together to save him.
A great fighter, way past his prime
a new girlfriend, looking to impress
many packs will be bought for DF
And when she’s out of money, he will look for another
In the prison of sweetness
Great bars surround, on all sides
One sexy by name, the other by his own declaration
There will be a great union
On the 6th day of the 6th month of the 6th year since the same date 6 years ago
a child will be born
And he will be the bringer of the BEST PACK EVER from MZ
This Pack will promise things NOW!
An Angel will fail
A Queen will fall
A Viper will be forked
An Archer will reproduce
— Nostradamus, 1978 (Not the original Nostradamus. This is Steven Nostradamus, no relation)
(At this point, I’ve written this straight through, with only one small break to let my wife read up to the first commercial break. I’m honestly not sure where it’s going, but at some point it changed from a 1970s sitcom with canned laughter, into a B Horror movie with terrible acting, terrible plot, terrible special effects, and yet, it’s still a cult classic. Ok, back to the story.)
Leg Humper stares at the paper for a short while, hands it to Candy…she reads it. Says “Yeah? So? Big deal. I’m more curious how you ended up already having a baby in that short amount of time!”
Archerus: “You see, it’s a complicated time-space thing. I won’t bore you with the details, but the end result is that this child will bring peace to Dahae. You will see!”
Candy stares at him, unblinking, stunned….then….realizing how idiotic that sounds, turns back to Leg Humper. “So, about QAOJ. How do you want to do it?”
Leg Humper smirks….”I have the perfect way.”
Leg Humper leaves and comes back with some duct tape and a large kitchen knife. With all the thrashing about QAOJ has been doing, she actually knocked herself unconscious. Her hand slipped out of the hole when she did, and she lay slumped on the floor. Candy walked over casually, and proceeded to kick her in the ribs half a dozen times. Leg Humper watched in interest, and when she was done, he showed Candy his plan. He taped the kitchen knife so it stuck out from the wall about a foot or so above the hole in the wall. He held his hands out to show her like one of the models on The Price is Right would show off a NEW CAR! She wasn’t impressed.
Candy:” That’ll never work. She can just grab the knife and attack us!”
Leg Humper said “Nope, I’ve watched her for a long time. You’ll see.”
He unbuckled his belt, dropped his fly, and proceeded to pee on QAOJs forehead to wake her up. It worked. She groggily opened her eyes, licked her lips, and sat straight up. Looked at the hole in the wall, and the sign and arrow. She JUMPED up, thrust her hand into the hole, grabbed the key and tried to pull it back out, unsuccessfully. Leg Humper stood back, and looked at Candy with a “Watch this” look on his face.
QAOJ thrashed, pulled, yanked at her hand in the wall. looking like someone who was being constantly zapped with a stun gun from in front and behind, she proceeded to stab herself in the neck so many times, at one point, her head just completely fell off to the floor. The body continued to thrash about for a good 5 minutes more.
Candy, amazed at the sight, turned to look at Leg Humper and said “Ok, I’m impressed.” Then they turned when they heard clapping. Sexy Viper, Archerus, and a now 2 yr old boy were all standing there clapping as hard as they could.
Archerus:” I never liked her anyway!”
Sexy Viper: ” She’s been one of the biggest problems with DF as a whole. Thinking she’s above everyone all the time…..well, look at her now all splayed out on the floor……she’s not above anyone now, IS SHE!?”
Candy reaches in her pocket, pulls out a pack of cigarettes, takes one out. Dips the end in the blood of QAOJ on the floor. “I’ve always wanted to do this.”
She puts the cigarette in her mouth, and Leg Humper, always the gentleman, pulls out a lighter and lights the cigarette while Candy puffs it a bit. She scrunches her face a bit, spits out the cigarette, spits a few times….”UGH! That tastes like crap!”
Archerus:” I could have told you that!”
(Crowd laughs, then claps)
New Location: Leg Humpers cave.
Leg Humper is sitting on his couch, surrounded by bags and bags of fan mail that would make Santa Claus jealous. “You’re the greatest” and “I want to be you when I grow up” etc. He flips channels on the TV. (TV….Television..For my Russian readers, this is the tiny box on your table with the black and white pictures that move around and make sounds on it.) He stops on a news station. There is a reporter on scene of a large gathering of people. He turns up the volume.
“…..and once again, people are rejoicing at the death of QAOJ. All of the Kingdom of Dahae is united in celebration. If you look behind me, you can see the “Count Down Clock” for the next executions by Candy. You can FEEL the anticipation as the seconds and minutes tick down to zero.”
Leg Humper gathers his things and heads out to Candys apartment. He’d rather see the show live.
New Location: Candys Apartment
Candy is dressed in the nicest Killing dress she owns. A sexy form fitting black number with JUST enough cleavage to satisfy the men, and just enough coverage to satisfy the jealous women. She looks out of her window, and sees hundreds…no…THOUSANDS of Dahae residents from all over the land. She feels compelled to make a speech, she takes a deep breath…KNOCK KNOCK…”Anyone home? It’s LEG HUMPER!”
(CROWD GOES WILD! Girls and guys throw their underwear up on the set, one screaming girl runs out of the stands at Leg Humper, just trying to hug him. She is almost immediately tackled by the MGD bodyguards. If you’ve ever seen MGD port in on a DF SH who has just dropped shield, you know what this scene looked like. Except they didn’t burn HER.)
Candy: “Leg Humper! Glad you’re here. You’re MUCH better with speeches than I am. I’m more a girl of action, while you, as evidenced by your legendary long-windedness, can spin a yarn with the best of the bards of yore.”
Leg Humper: “Um….thanks?”
Candy pushes him toward the balcony, and when he walks out, the Dahae residents give such a cheer it actually knocked him back a step. He holds up his hands for quiet, and within seconds, 1000s of Dahae residents are staring at him, hanging on his every word.
Leg Humper begins: “Many of you know about the history of DF terrorizing the kingdom. Many of you remember the days when DahaeFighter, almost by himself, could scare SHs 10 times his size. Many of you know of how DF has refused to work for a greater Dahae, and instead have claimed to have no interest in playing a war game without the war part. Some of you even know that DF claims to be hitting the kingdoms farms and smaller SHs because it will strengthen Dahae for KVKs, yet they rarely do anything during those very same KVKs except attack other Dahae members!”
Leg Humper paused to allow the crowds “Boo DF” and “DF can suck my Jar Jar Binks” jeers to subside.
Leg Humper continued: “Well after suffering many losses and becoming more and more frustrated with a united Dahae, they made some desperate moves and mistakes that cost them dearly!”
Leg Humper continues: “Candy, a member of MGD, has captured, not 1, not 2, not THREE! But FOUR! DF Heroes. FOUR! Never before has one single player captured the heroes of 4 strong players as Candy has!” (Notable exception, see Leg Humpers Russian Prison Story. But it’s a good thing that the winners of the war get to write the history books. I’m sure that the one time that 10 were captured by DF won’t even be mentioned in the new revised edition of “Dahae, History of Greatness” as written by Leg Humper.)
Leg Humper Continues: “And this morning we witnessed the first hero dying, FightAngel. She didn’t go down without a fight, but thanks to our training and skills (and a little bit of luck) we escaped with only minor injuries. This afternoon, the 2nd Hero died. QAOJ impaled her neck on a kitchen knife while flailing wildly trying to escape from a “Monkey Trap” (Google it if you don’t get the reference)”
CROWD GOES NUTS! Crazy pandemonium. Hugging, Singing (An ancient folk song that sounds like “Bye Bye, Queens Hero Will Die, buts it’s hard to make out) and small isolated moments of orgies of happiness.
Leg Humper raises his arms up, the crowd goes instantly quiet. Even the “Happiness Orgies” get quiet, despite still continuing. “And tonight, we will finish off this happy chapter in Dahae with TWO MORE KILLINGS!”
Leg Humper expects more cheering, but gets a lot of “eh, after QAOJ, anyone else would be a let down” and “Let me get back to my Happiness Orgy and you can kill anyone you want” comments.
Leg Humper continues: ” Ok, well, tonight we execute Archerus and Sexy Viper. They will be the final killings in this chapter of our history, and tomorrow we start a NEW CHAPTER! Tomorrow, as we prepare for the next KVK KE, we witness DF losing members, losing power, losing troops, losing confidence in their leader, and losing traction as a force in this kingdom. We have been watching it happen for a long time, but tonight, we made a great stride forward! Long Live Dahae! Long Live Candy, the Great DF KILLER! Long Live LEG HUMPER! Go Me! Leg Humper……Leg Humper….”
(Leg Humper was hoping to get the crowd into a chanting frenzy, but really got about 6 people half heartedly chanting under their breath a few times, then they turned back to their happiness orgies.)
That night, Candy executed Archerus and Sexy Viper, and the crowd said “Yay..good job” A bit of an underwhelming reaction, considering, but most people polled said that Archerus and Sexy Viper weren’t bad people, just had a bad group of friends they hung out with.
Closing credits happen with scenes from this episode flashing by….but, like all great super hero movies, there’s an after-credit scene.
Deep, ominous music…..
After the executions of his parents, Candy adopted their son, now 8 years old. She enrolled him in the typical sports and activities of the children of Dahae. Ax throwing, Archery, Horseback and Elephant riding, Farming, Core Crafting, etc. One bright sunny day, during a weekend get together with the neighborhood kids playing a game of Dodge-battleaxe, The son of Archerus and Sexy Viper, raised by Candy, the Great DF Hero Killer, Nephew of the Great Mopar, Pseudo Friend of the self proclaimed Great Leg Humper, did something that no one knew was significant at the time. He picked up off the ground, a small stone. He casually tossed it out of the Dodge-Battleaxe playing area, where it skipped and bounced till it came into contact with a war march led by SmackDown. The horses kicked the stone around without much notice, but one unlucky kick sent it soaring into the FOREST where it landed in a mine that EZ was currently blasting open with explosives. BOOM! Fire! Smoke! Flying Pebbles! This one stone found it’s way MILES up into the air, where it came down bouncing around the XX@ hive. That hive has recently undergone a tremendous amount of upgrades, and the installation of a playground for the new families moving in is where this stone landed, right at the end of a see-saw. One fairly “well fed” boy came down the slide and tripped, tumbling forward and landed on the other end of the see-saw, launching this stone up and far away. and like a golf ball that hits the cart path, bounced WAY farther than anyone could have predicted. It bounced and bounced, rolled and even skipped across a lake. As it was skipping across the lake, a soaring winged level 6 monster who had intended to land in the forest, swooped down and snatched the pebble, thinking it was a small fish. Upon realizing it was NOT a small fish, it dropped it.
New Location: DahaeFighters Apartment
DahaeFighter sat exhausted, sweating and panting, unable to break the thin pane of glass protecting the “Button” He’d tried cutting it, hitting it with an ax, smashing it with his favorite frying pan, tried a flying headbutt, but nothing happened to the glass. He was weak. He could do nothing about it. He put his head on his hands and a tear formed in his eye.
He looked up at the ceiling and said what might have been interpreted as a prayer. “I would do anything if I could just break that glass. I would be nice to Dahae. I would join the alliances that have worked so hard to make a better Dahae. I would work with them, instead of against them so that we could perhaps have a higher goal in mind, more cores from mining, more powerful players to join together to destroy other Kingdoms in KVK, maybe even a run at the super wonder. I could do it. I have been shown how weak I am now that I’ve forced the whole Kingdom to be against me. I have learned my mistakes were costly and ultimately have led Dahae down a self destructive path. I would do anything if I could just break that glass.
He heard a small “clink” from up on his room, then a series of small clinks and clanks as something small fell down his chimney pipe. He looked toward the fireplace wondering what it was and a small pebble dropped out, bounced on the bricks and toward DahaeFighter. He panicked and ducked, reaching for his Blue Skirt Protection remote control,, but he was safe as the pebble just narrowly missed his head. It fell softly on the table, clink, spin, bounce, clink, bounce…and slightly grazed against the glass protecting the button and the glass burst in a shower of sparkly shards in the air.
DahaeFighter walked over slowly, realizing the button was now free to press. He reached slowly out with his finger and touched the button, about to push it. He looked up. Said “Thanks” and pushed the button.
POOF! FightAngel appeared before him. And he was happy. Then POOF. QAOJ appeared next to him. Then POOF POOF. Archerus and Sexy Viper appeared as well. He looked at them all. He said “Excellent, you’re all back! Let’s go kill Dahae! Tile everyone you can! Let’s attack our own kingdom during the next Kill Event!”
FightAngel looked at him sadly. “But DahaeFighter, you said you could work for a greater Dahae, work with your enemies, admit your mistakes,.”
DahaeFighter looked her straight in the eye and said “I said I would do that if I broke the glass. I didn’t. The PEBBLE did. SO my promise doesn’t count.”
And so……the sequel was set up.
Thanks for reading this far. This was a tough one!
#94 Dahae Kingdom
Keg Humper, Hero, Savior of our kingdom.