Leg Humper Sings the Gow Blues!

PART 3: The Return of the Leg Humper

It is a time of possibilities and hope for our heroes as the LEG HUMPER TRIALS near completion. Leg Humper has passed all his tests and trials, easily, almost TOO easily. The final challenge will most certainly be his greatest achievement or failure yet.

The FINAL Test! Common Eileen

We have a great tradition here in the “Game Of War Keggery” or “GOWK” for short (yeah. Google “GOWK” too…….) that all new initiates sing us a song. We wouldn’t require you to do this, as at the very least, being a member of the GOWSWHOF due to your previously mentioned #1 hit, but we’d love for you to honor us with one nonetheless!? How about everyone in here. What do you think!?”
(The crowd voiced a slightly interested sound of approval, but I’m sure it would have been ok if they’d all just been left alone to find out why GOW had just notified them that “ATTENTION! This is Game Of War!!” On a pop up. Since then I’ve also gotten “knock knock”. “Double!” “Double who!” And my personal favorite. “W!” What are they doing!?)

“Well. I guess I could sing one song. I don’t have anything prepared, so it’ll be created as I go, is that ok?”

Crowd “yeah. Whatever.”

I tell the band to play a simple blues rift. The music starts. I sing.

“On the day I was born…
“Da da dun dunp”
I looked at the nurse…
“Da da dun dunp”
I said is that your phone?…
“Da da dun dunp”
She looked in her purse…

“Da da dun dunp”
She had a pop up…
“Da da dun dunp”
It was for a new game…
“Da da dun dunp”
It was called clash of clans…
“Da da dun dunp”
It seemed kind of lame…

“Da da dun dunp”
She said “I wish they’re was better”…
“Da da dun dunp”
I said “your wish will come true…
“Da da dun dunp”
If Clash is Ramen Pride…
“Da da dun dunp”
GOW will be Dinty Moore beef stew!

I got the Game of War Blues….oh. The Game of War blues….

I downloaded the app…
“Da da dun dunp”
I made an account…
“Da da dun dunp”
Finished the tutorial…
“Da da dun dunp”
So many hours, I lost count…
“Da da dun dunp”

I upgraded my buildings…
“Da da dun dunp”
and researched economics…
“Da da dun dunp”
I used lots of speed ups…
“Da da dun dunp”
I fell for MZs best tricks…
“Da da dun dunp”

I looked through the packs…
“Da da dun dunp”
And one looked good…
“Da da dun dunp”
I bought 10 through iTunes…
“Da da dun dunp”
Now I can’t afford food!…

I got the Blues….oh yeah,
The Game of War blues….

I sold off my car…
“Da da dun dunp”
Put my house up for sale…
“Da da dun dunp”
Moved into moms basement…
“Da da dun dunp”
The lack of sun makes me pale…
“Da da dun dunp”

I buy a new phone…
“Da da dun dunp”
Get a few new iPads…
“Da da dun dunp”
I make farm accounts…
“Da da dun dunp”
This is getting so sad…
“Da da dun dunp”

I spend all my time…
“Da da dun dunp”
Upgrading my farms…
“Da da dun dunp”
Tapping out small speed ups…
“Da da dun dunp”
I got cramps in my arms!

I got the Blues….oh yeah,
The Game of War blues….

I March 30 minutes…
“Da da dun dunp”
To kill 20 troops…
“Da da dun dunp”
I speed up my March back…
“Da da dun dunp”
Cause I really have to poop!…
“Da da dun dunp”

My life has changed so much…
“Da da dun dunp”
I schedule my life…
“Da da dun dunp”
Around kvks and kill events…
“Da da dun dunp”
I don’t recognize my wife!…
“Da da dun dunp”

I gain lots of power…
“Da da dun dunp”
Build lots of cores…
“Da da dun dunp”
I lead rallies on enemies…
“Da da dun dunp”
I bet their butts are sore!…
“Da da dun dunp”

THEY got the Blues….oh wow,
The Game of War blues….

My eyes don’t work right…
“Da da dun dunp”
I can’t use my thumbs…
“Da da dun dunp”
My backs bad from crouching…
“Da da dun dunp”
My buttocks is (are?) numb…
“Da da dun dunp”

My life is a mess…
“Da da dun dunp”
I have no more cash…
“Da da dun dunp”
MZ releases new researches…
“Da da dun dunp”
I guess I’ll take it up the….buttocks…
“Da da dun dunp”

I have to give it up…
“Da da dun dunp”
I have no more drive…
“Da da dun dunp”
I give my account away…
“Da da dun dunp”
I start to feel alive!

I got the Blues….oh baby,
The Game of War blues….

I keep one tiny account…
“Da da dun dunp”
Just to chat with my friends…
“Da da dun dunp”
I give all my farms away…
“Da da dun dunp”
I hope I helped them in the end…
“Da da dun dunp”

I check in each day…
“Da da dun dunp”
No gifts go to waste…
“Da da dun dunp”
I slowly build up this account…
“Da da dun dunp”
GOW is worse than eating paste…
“Da da dun dunp”

I build up to trap…
“Da da dun dunp”
It was never fun before…
“Da da dun dunp”
I let mz get their hooks back in me…
“Da da dun dunp”
I’m basically their whore!

I got the Blues….oh mama,
The Game of War blues….

I’ve enjoyed this game much…
“Da da dun dunp”
And hated it too…
“Da da dun dunp”
I can’t get away from it…
“Da da dun dunp”
No matter what I do…
“Da da dun dunp”

MZ continues to mess…
“Da da dun dunp”
With a good customer base…
“Da da dun dunp”
Useless features and research…
“Da da dun dunp”
Like a pie in the face…
“Da da dun dunp”

The worst thing I’ve seen…
“Da da dun dunp”
Is the infernos for money…
“Da da dun dunp”
Wanna play this free game?…
“Da da dun dunp”
Go get some iTunes, honey!

I got the Blues….oh lord,
The Game of War blues….

Now to level my hero…
“Da da dun dunp”
These new medals to buy…
“Da da dun dunp”
Not play hard or try hard…
“Da da dun dunp”
It makes me want to cry!…
“Da da dun dunp”

Soon this game will outgrow me…
“Da da dun dunp”
And I’ll be unable to play…
“Da da dun dunp”
Not from lack of trying…
“Da da dun dunp”
Just from lack of Mon-ay!

Game of war is my heroine…
“Da da dun dunp”
My dealer is MZ…
“Da da dun dunp”
If they ever do a drug test…
“Da da dun dunp”
They’ll find Hoplites in my pee!

I got the Blues….oh MZ,
The Game of War blues….

Crowd: ”
We got the Blues….oh boy,
The Game of War blues….”

My mysterious somewhat good looking man-friend is crying. Manly tears. He realizes he’s in the
Presence of greatness. I look around. Not a dry eye in the house. Tears everywhere. Sobbing here and there. One woman is full on wailing.

My moderately good looking man-friend speaks. His words hold gravity and feel as if he’s speaking to royalty. “Leg Humper, we are honored to have to stay with us. Tell us tales of your travels. We are humbled to be in the presence of greatness.”

I decide to stay a little while, but I have to be honest with them, as I really am a terrible liar. “I will stay. I will chat with you all. But there will come a day, perhaps soon. Perhaps far in the future. Where I will need to leave and share my greatness with the rest of the world. Maybe some day we will reunite in some other addicting game. You will know me. But for now. We DRINK!!!”

The crowd cheers.

Thank you Darkthorne for bugging me to blog again. I truly enjoy it, but haven’t had the time recently to put the needed effort into doing this.

To all my fans. I hope you enjoy this, possibly last? Leg Humper blog. The game is changing and my time is more limited than it was. I’m having fun trapping, but will likely not be able to keep up with MZ. I’ve stuck around for my friends in the game, many of which I would actually like to meet in person some day. One of which I have and I was not disappointed. (But the waitress CLEARLY liked me better.) Eventually, you may need to imagine Leg Humper walking out those doors of the GOWK tavern and disappearing into the night. Silently. But satisfied. Smiling. But sad.

Thanks for reading this far!
Harrycubed a.k.a. Leg Humper
Kingdom: #106 Kranarius
Alliance: MGd

The BLUE RAY edition of this trilogy will be released soon. Some Directors commentary and behind the scenes time will be included. The behind the scenes stuff will mostly just be a picture of me sitting in my chair with my phone in my hand. The directors commentary will likely either being my wife telling me to put the phone down to watch Big Brother or Darkthorne telling me to try to be funnier.

Leg Humper: Why I Returned To Game of War


When last we saw our heroes, they were embroiled in a battle….or at least a series of tests…to determine Leg Humpers worthiness to stay in the GOW Pub. Leg Humper’s day/evening plans hang in the balance as whether he stays or not would determine the outcome of this story.  The TRIALS of LEG HUMPER continue where we left off…

Meanwhile Still in the Pub

leg humper

My mysterious somewhat attractive man-friend stared blankly at the crowd and the crazy old man who just made his speech, and sort of “snapped out of it” and returned to the present. He flippantly says “moving on”

“The next test. One of Uncommon valor. Usually for this test we subject the applicant to several physical and mental impossible choices to see what happens.”

Things like “a kitten and a puppy are drowning, choose one to save!” Or “the girl next to you in calculus class asks if she can cheat off you. The class is graded on a curve and letting her cheat may affect your grade negatively, what do you say?” Or “a man with a gun walks in the room and points a gun at you. Do you give him your iPhone, or hide behind the elderly nun and group of young school children she’s in charge of?” You know. Things like that.*.

But you’re Leg Humper! We all know of your greatness, your fairness and your awesomeness! We’ve heard the stories about how you inspired your alliance to take the wonder against the big bad evil alliance! We’ve regaled in the tale of your leadership of your entire kingdom to migrate to kingdom 106 after the Great Merge Event! We’ve ALL witnessed the story of how you spent time in a Russian prison….twice! And not only escaped once, but even for executed and came back to life! We have read your eye-witness account of some of the greatest traps to have ever walked the GOW world! (PONZI, and you Crazy Canadian, seemoarbutts, I still salute you. Haven’t seen anything like it since! And with the release of hemlock, likely we never will!)

We tell stories about how you perfectly related GOW to real life, and how you took on the difficult topic of addiction and easily handled it with a test we could all take and self evaluate in the privacy of our own homes (or our mothers basements, for many of you I suppose?).

Yes. We’ve ALL lived through your experiences, O’ great Leg Humper. We tell bedtime stories about you to our children. When we get drunk, we sing the billboard #1 hit “Queens Hero Will Die” when we’re drunk and happy. We try to top each other’s idiocy much like the frat house contest….you, Leg Humper, won’t need to prove your uncommon valor at all.

“Ok, good….thanks!”

Test Dot Common!

“Next test! Dot common!”
I look around the room. Apparently, the crowd grew bored while listening to my mysterious mildly attractive man-friend and took out their phones to play GoW.

They all simultaneously got a pop up that said “BURN NOTICE! Log in now!” And they all did. They then spent the next 20 minutes trying to figure out who got burned, or if another alliance was in need of help or in need of further burning, etc. no one found anything. I waited the 20 minutes, mostly playing on  my phone. HayDay is a fun app.

He re-announces…”next test! Dot common! Leg Humper! What is your favorite website?”
That’s an easy one. Gameofwartips.com. Specifically, the page under resources titled “Leg Humper fan page”. I only wish the list of leg Humper blogs was both complete, (there are some missing) and better visually. Darkthorne, the creator of the site, has added so much content to his site that the Leg Humper Fan Page has gotten pushed off the high priority list and now just sits as a bunch of links, not even in chronological order, with no pictures or brief descriptions to help new arrivals to the site navigate through the awesomeness they have stumbled upon. But hey. It’s ok I guess. Still my favorite site.”

Editor’s Note: Burned…

The crowd just nodded agreeably in silence.

Test: Common Misconceptions

“Well done! Next test! Common misconceptions. Tell us why you quit Game of War, and why you came back. The only other similar situation we could think of was when Michael Jordan quit basketball only to return several years later. In both cases, the arguably greatest of all time left the game at his peak, highlighting a glaring lack of excitement and lack of talent in the game after he left. Upon his return, though the game and HIS game had changed, he was still among the greatest of all time, not only in his base ability, but also in his ability to bring those around him up to another greater level of performance. So. Why. Leg Humper. Did you leave and then return?”

Why I Quit and then Returned to Game of War

My answer was simple, “Time is why I left, or more specifically, lack of time to play. I’d missed many events and found myself trying to squeeze in playing time as I got busier in real life. My return was because I kept a small farm account I used mainly to chat with the friends I made in the game. I logged in and slowly built it up to a trap, keeping it shielded until kvk and then re-shielding when I had to log off. It was a much more manageable level of play for me, unlike when I was trying to keep up with mz releasing new core sets weekly and new researches bi-weekly. It’s worked out ok for me, and I’ve been a pretty good trap so far. It’s a very different kind of gameplay, and I don’t think it really interested me back when I wrote those blogs about great traps I witnessed. But out of necessity came proficiency and so…I return.”

“And we thank you for that!”

Insert disappointing and incomplete ending here with the feeling that there MUST be more, and I NEED TO HAVE ALL THESE QUESTIONS ANSWERED type of cliff hangar. Use your imagination. If you can’t do that……then at least just pretend to be excited for Part 3.

Thanks for reading this far!
Harrycubed a.k.a. Leg Humper
Kingdom: #106 Kranarius
Alliance: MGd

*proper answers to those questions are: save the puppy. 1) Cats are evil incarnate. 2) is she hot? If so, yes. Let her cheat off you. 3). Trick question. Without looking, keep your phone hidden and find the gunmans sh in GOW. Set a rally on him. When he looks down at his phone to see the notification, throw one of the small children in his direction and run out of the room.

Leg Humper vs. Machine Zone: A New Hope

Chronicles of Leg Humper Returns to Game of War Tips!

The next installment of the best Game of War Sarcastic Satire Blog anywhere on the planet, or elsewhere!

PART 1: Leg Humper vs. Mz, a NEW HOPE

It was a time of great depression. Game of War in Kingdom 106 and really, everywhere else too, was going through a tough time.  Still disappointed by the loss of the beloved Leg Humper, the Evil Empire, MZ, was gaining power and strength as they offered Pay-for-Infernos and packs that unlocked other packs that you felt were needed if you planned to succeed at GoW life. A former GOW rally leader and part time sit-down comedian, may be the new hope for GOW to stand up against MZ, or at least make their time under the evil empires rule, slightly less boring…

It’s a rainy night (actually, it’s like 84 degrees and sunny, nice afternoon, but the setting is better when it’s dark and rainy. Not sure why. It just is.

I walk the streets aimlessly. Looking for activity. Something. Interesting.

I had recently traveled the land, looking for adventures elsewhere. I’d spent time with the Buddhist masters in a cave on the 424th highest peak in New York. All women masters by the way, thus, the name of the mountain. Google it. I’ll wait….

I’ve traversed the legendary Sarr Chasm with some mixed results…a story for another time perhaps.

I stayed at a hotel where they labeled everything by the alphabet. Like the towels were labeled a, b, c, d, and so on. The soap. The cleaning staff. Everything. While walking down toward the pool, I passed by the housekeeping headquarters and stole the 5th iron from the left. I think it’s funny. They’ll be going nuts trying to find it. I will use my “iron E” every chance I can!

But now, I find myself walking along a deserted city street. Late at night. Cold. It’s raining. Not really. But you know, ambiance.

At the far end of a side alley, I see a light and make out the sounds of music and cheering and whooping. Actual whooping. Not the fake kind.

I meander down the alley toward the lights and sounds. I tried sauntering, it’s not as easy as people think. Meandering, however, is pretty easy, likely anyone could do it without risk of injury.  I’m hoping for someplace warm and bright, to offset this dark, cold, and rainy night. Yeah. It was cold too. Again. Adds to the imagery for story telling.

I arrive at the entrance and push apart the saloon style double swinging doors. The music stops. All faces turn to me. Silence.

leg humper

A man in the back, face shrouded in shadows. I’m guessing, I couldn’t actually see him because, well, he was way in the back behind lots of other people. Stands up (now I can see his face. He’s good looking. Not in the way I’d be attracted to, just in that he’s not repulsive to stare at. He walks in my general direction. Remember. Lots of people here. If he walked DIRECTLY at me, he’d trip over other people.

He gets close up to my face. Takes a long inhale through his nose as if to smell my very soul. Looks into my eyes and says:

“You. I know you. Or at least I know of you. Or at least I know of stories about you. Sort of. Well. I don’t really know you I guess. Just kind of heard about you once a long time ago. You’re ‘Leg Humper’. Aren’t you?”

I assumed it was a rhetorical question, because really, who doesn’t know Leg Humper.

When he seemed like he was still waiting for an answer. And, he was still close enough to sniff my soul, I’m guessing it smelled faintly of a mix of tinfoil and the color purple. I said:


The crowd murmured. If you haven’t heard an actual crowd murmur, it’s kind of like expecting steak but they bring out jello. You bite into it and it’s not at all satisfying, but it certainly takes up space.

He says, “Well, despite the stories we’ve heard, you’re going to need to pass a few…tests…if you want to hang with us in here.”

A few in the crowd snickered at the word “tests” but not in like that evil “yeah, tests that will challenge you to the core and show if you’re man or meerkat!” I think they were laughing because when he said “tests” they thought he said “chests” and they were snickering at the synonym for boobs.

“Ok. Bring on the tests”.

Crowd: “Bring on the tests!” Two people snickered at this too.

Anonymous, somewhat good looking, mysterious man:

Test one! A Test of Will Power! ‘Common Mistakes.’

“Before you, I give you several pack choices.”

Pack 1: Contains 17 million in gold and tens of thousands of chests, mostly stuff you don’t need or can’t use with one you would surely benefit from, but not nearly enough to be effective.

Pack 2: Promises you can increase your strength and stamina and includes millions of experience (not enough to level up, but lots) and some fancy equipment to wear. It’s pretty. Pretty useless.

Pack 3: Promises you will be the champion of the Super Wonder! You won’t. But it says you will. So that’s something.

Pack 4: Promises you will be the envy of your kingdom. You get some pretty gems, medals and something called “reputation points”. Likely useless. But you never know.

The crowd is quiet and all eyes are on me. I look at each pack laid out on the tables before me. Carefully considering each one and the benefits it would afford me.

I realize this is a trick! The right answer is NONE OF THEM!

But then, I’m buoyed by the thought that I got this one right, and I blurt out:

“I buy 2 of each pack!” I couldn’t help myself. All that stuff! How can anyone say no to all that! And the crowd cheers!? Apparently that’s the same thing everyone else did.

Test 2. ‘Common Thoughts’

A simple question. The answer will matter greatly. “How many times have you quit, or threatened to quit, playing game of war?”

Whoa. I never really thought about it. I’d enjoyed the game, and really, more so, the people.

I wrote blogs. Epic tales of awesome! And, enjoyed chatting in the game with so many people. When I finally decided to walk away from the game, giving my big account to a friend and my farm system to another, I’d realized it was finally the time to quit cold turkey.

But I’d agonized over the decision for months before finally pulling the trigger, so perhaps daily for 3 months, it was a thought? But it was only one real final thought that counts?

Right? I don’t know. I’m confused. I make up a number. Blurt it out. It’s a good number. Not too high. Not too low. Apparently. It’s the Goldilocks of numbers as the crowd cheers again!

I won’t tell you the number here, as now that I know that the number works in this type of situation, I plan to use it every time I find myself in a hostile environment where I’m expected to answer questions and pass tests just to stand in a room and get out of the rain. I bet if you tried long enough, you’d be able to guess it. But I’m not telling.

Test 3, ‘Common Sense’

Common sense is NOT at all common. In fact. It’s quite rare. But at some point in history, whoever makes up names for things, like “chair” or “taint” or “shuffle” also named it “common sense” instead of the better fitted “rare sense”. Perhaps it was a public relations ploy to make more people think it was attainable and desirable. Dunno.

“It’s a KvK kill event. You see an outlander ported near you. The gear the hero is wearing is a mix of research gear and training gear. No reason anyone would ever be in this gear. You watch his helps for 3 minutes before impatience overwhelms you and you set a rally on him.

You call your alliance and they all port over and fill your rally.
Do you:
A) Let the rally March! You’ll crush him because you’re powerful!
B) Cancel the rally because you might lose troops.
C) Let the rally March, then cancel before it hits because you likely forgot a boost or had the wrong troop type or some other reason.
D) Realize that THIS IS A TRAP! He’s in your kingdom, so he’s on line, don’t be an idiot. He’s trapping! Don’t even bother!!

Your answer, Leg Humper?”

Well. This ones easy. We get one kill event every month or so. So “A!” Win or lose, at least it’s action! I call out my answer. The crowd cheers!

Test 4: ‘Common Decency’

A simple yes or no question. Have you ever spoken to a person in chat in a way you would NEVER speak to a person in real life, face to face?”

Wow. This is a heck of a question. Personally, as Leg Humper, I believe I’ve never really lied to anyone. I’m a master of sarcasm and goofing around in a way that is intended to be harmless and not hurtful.

Usually I can’t lie. If someone takes my joke seriously or seems to take offense to something I say, I immediately apologize or attempt to explain. I have witnessed amazingly offensive and rude comments in chats, and have occasionally tried to diffuse some of them with humor or bringing the attention on to myself with self deprecating, or self defecating humor as I like to call it, as it’s like I’m basically making myself look like poop.

So for the most part, I believe I’m pretty much the same person in chat as I am in person. I try not to offend, try to be truthful, try to be fun. I’m about to yell out my answer, and then I realize…..I’m a TOTAL flirt in chat, but if any of these women flirted back with me in REAL life, I’d be a complete mess. So…I have to answer yes.

I have spoken to people differently in chat than I would in real life. My flirting in chat, when translated to real life, would be me breaking out in cold sweats and being struck for a complete loss of words. I say “yes” to the crowd, and the crowd mostly looks guilty of doing the same.

“Well done sir!

Test 5: ‘Commons, Semi-Commons, and Apostrophes.’

On a scale of 1-10, how much does it bother you when someone mis-uses “you’re/your” or “their/they’re/there” or effect/affect. Or when someone says it’s a “mute point” or when someone says that they “could care less” or uses irregardless in any context or say they’ve made a “full 360” or uses literally when they SHOULD use figuratively, as I write this, someone JUST wrote “I literally got a thousand emails from the guy to get his hero back”. I asked how many he actually got. He said 3. But they were all one right after another”.

On a scale of 1 to 10. Hmm. I do enjoy poking fun when people say something like “your right” by my usual response of “my right!?” Am I bothered? Not really. It’s kind of entertaining I guess?

I call out my answer. “2!”

Expecting cheers for my amazing answer that shows I’m above the intellectual righteousness and also understand that sometimes autocorrect messes things up, but no…instead, I get peanuts and pretzel nuggets thrown at me from just about everyone in the room.

One man off to the right, my physical right, not like politically right, he stands up slowly. Puts his hand in the air as if to ask for silence. And gradually he gets it. He states to the crowd:

“For all intensive purposes, I could care less about this mute point. Theirs just two much indivisiveness amongst all y’all and its just never gonna get wear yew want it too. I defiantly want what’s best for you all. So with that, I bit you ado and will sit back down in my sitting assistance device hear below me.” He actually spoke with the typos as shown above. Without actually being there, You wouldn’t understand.

He sat. There was a stunned silence.  Well, more of a confused silence, perhaps stunned by how confused they were?

While the crowd was trying to figure out what they just heard, I jumped at the chance to yell out “9!” And the crowd thought for a moment about why they were mad at me earlier and realized they must have misremembered. They didn’t cheer thunderously, as I would have liked, but more seemed like they were trying to show appreciation for my answer while fighting through a nasty migraine headache.

My mysterious somewhat attractive man-friend stared blankly at the crowd and the crazy old man who just made his speech, and sort of “snapped out of it” and returned to the present. He flippantly says “moving on”.

Insert epic battle of good vs evil here, with an ambiguous ending so that a sequel can happen but isn’t necessarily needed. Include at least one hot babe, one ugly bad guy, or at least the evil empire represented by a bad guy so we have someone to hate, because it’s hard to hate a thing. Except those hard to open plastic containers you need a sledge hammer, a jack hammer, and maybe even, as MC Hammer said, “can’t open this”. I hate those……but anyway, There WILL be a part 2 and a part 3, so please, enjoy reading this part over and over till part 2 drops, then we’ll release some DVD sets with some directors commentary and such.

Thanks for reading this far!
Harrycubed a.k.a. Leg Humper
Kingdom: #106 Kranarius
Alliance: MGd


Are YOU a GOW addict? Take the quiz NOW!

Hey there all you Leg Humper Fans! We need to find a catchy name for you all. Like One Directions fans are “Directioners”, Beatles Fans were a part of “Beatle-Mania”, there are “Beliebers”, Fanilows, Claymates, Little Monsters, Parrotheads, Deadheads, Grobanites, Swifties, etc. From this moment on, we will call you all “Humpees!”

Now that all my Humpees finally have a name they can call themselves, and thus, an identity, I’ll expect to be recognized in public and see t-shirts and hats of “I’m a Humpee” while walking around in New York City or Paris or, really, based on the popularity of Leg Humper, even the most remote and less populated of locations like the Saraha Desert or the “I’m a straight man who understands women” annual convention.

So I’ve been pondering my next blog for a while, and I have several ideas, but for some reason, I sat back and thought about this: a “Quiz” that would determine your level of commitment or devotion to the Game of War. I think if you take this Quiz, you’ll be pleased to find out exactly where you stand in the GAME OF WAR community.

Without further ado, I present to you all, the TRUEST measure of your commitment and involvement with GOW.

You will need a pen and paper to keep track of your scores. Answer each question as honestly as possible.

1) Do you consider GOW to be the best APP of all time?

  • Yes. Absolutely, Of course! How dare you even ask! (64 pts)
  • Yes, it’s a fun app that allows me to escape from reality. (16 pts)
  • BEST App? Not sure, maybe one of the most popular apps, or most successful apps, but BEST? Eh. (4 Pt)
  • No. Clash of Clans is WAY better. (LIAR! Blasphemer! 1 Pts)

2) Have you ever allowed GOW to dictate your sleeping patterns?

  • Yes. I have adjusted my body clock to only need sleep in 6 hour intervals so I don’t miss any quest resets, I can go for 28 hours straight when needed for a KVK Kill event, I have trained myself to recognize the differences between my phones notification for an incoming march, a rally notification, or an incoming mail. (64 pts)
  • Yes, when I’m holding a hero, I tend to worry just that little bit more that someone will try to free it, and often times wake up several times through the night to check my phone. (16 pts)
  • Yes, I only sleep after I’ve fully checked all shields on main and farm accounts. (4 pts)
  • No. (i.e. I’m lying or slightly sleep deprived so I don’t realize I’m wrong.) (1 Pt)

3) Have you allowed the KVK schedule to dictate your scheduling of real life events?

  • Yes. I’m the coach of my kids Basketball team and I have scheduled all practices and petitioned the league about game times to allow for me to be able to be on at the start of KVK. (64 Pts)
  • Yes. We have DVR’d shows to watch them later when a KVK is scheduled to start. (16 Pts)
  • Yes. My family plans to go out for dinner when KVK is set to start. (4 Pts)
  • No. (i.e. I’m lying, but my wife and kids are reading this over my shoulder so I HAVE to answer this way.) (1 Pt)

4) Have your eating habits changed?

  • Yes. I’ve learned to only eat foods that require 1 hand, so that my other hand can GOW. (64 Pts)
  • Yes. I’ve adjusted my families eating schedule so as not to interfere with KVK start times. (16 Pts)
  • Yes. I’ve eaten my dinner cold because I was so intent on finishing an inferno that I forgot the food was right in front of me. (4 Pts)
  • No. (i.e. I’m lying or I have set up an intravenous IV drip to get all needed nutrients in a constant flow.) (1 Pt)

5) Have your personal hygiene habits changed?

  • Yes. I’ve gone days without showering because I was holding a hero.  (64 Pts)
  • Yes. I’ve stopped brushing my teeth with the toothbrush in my mouth to check a game notification (16 Pts)
  • Yes. I’ve had to make a decision to put down the game in order to wash my face or put on deodorant, and the game sometimes wins. (4 Pts)
  • No. (i.e. I’m lying. I really need to take a shower, as my eyes are watering from the stench cloud surrounding me currently.) (1 Pt)

6) How has GOW affected your family life?

  • I’ve lost family over this game, and I’m ok with it. If they can’t understand my GOW life, or can’t get a GOW account of their own in order to talk to me, screw them! (64 Pts)
  • I’ve distanced my family just enough so that they understand, while I’m on the game, they shouldn’t talk to me. It’s very quiet in my house now. (16 Pts)
  • My family still complains about how much I play. I am thinking about explaining to them where they ACTUALLY rank in my life…. (4 Pts)
  • My family accepts my game time and we all get along fine. (LIAR! This is simply NEVER going to be believable.) (1 Pt)

7) How has GOW affected your friendships?

  • I have my GOW friends. Screw everyone else! (Epic! 256 Pts)
  • I value the friendships I’ve made on GOW, and in many cases, my best friends in real life don’t hold a candle to my best friends on GOW. (64 Pts)
  • I have a good balance of friends both in game and in real life. The real life friends just don’t understand the level of friendship I have with my GOW friends. I try to talk to them a lot about the game to educate them more fully. (16 Pts)
  • I log in, I chat a bit, say hi, work on my SH, do some farming, set a research, leave. Most in my alliance probably don’t even know who I am or that I have an actual life outside of GOW. (4 Pts)
  • People I’ve met in GOW are either alliance mates and good for helping me with research time reduction or getting needed RSS, or not alliance mates and thus, potential targets for my virtual troops to attack their virtual troops and gain virtual victory in a virtual game. They aren’t really my friends, or even in my mind, actual people, and if they stopped playing all of a sudden, I might not even notice. (Liar! and a JERK TOO! 1 Pt)

8) If you’re driving and you get a GOW notification:

  • I pick up my phone, continuing to drive, and try to split my focus between GOW and the road ahead. (This is REALLY bad, but in the interest of this quiz, 64 Pts, but those are points you should NOT be proud of.)
  • (If there’s a passenger in the car with you) Carefully talk a passenger through what they need to do to take care of what needs to be taken care of. (Tie for 16 Pts)
  • (If no passenger) I immediately pull over the car to the side of the road, take care of what I need to take care of, and then resume driving. (Tie for 16 Pts)
  • I glance at phone, if it’s a rally notification or incoming attack, I realize it’s best to look for a turn off or safe place to park, and once safe, check the battle report or see if someone needs help. (4 Pts)
  • I never look at the phone while driving, not even for GOW. (1 Pt. But you should be proud of this one)

9) When at a family party or out with a group of friends (Especially during a Kill Event):

  • You sneak away often to an empty room or the bathroom or outside to check GOW, often losing track of time, returning to a worried group of people wondering if you may have a serious gastrointestinal problem (or they now have a serious plumbing problem) or if you’ve suddenly taken up smoking a pack of cigarettes per trip outside. (EPIC! 256 Pts)
  • You keep your phone in your hand, sometimes hidden in your pocket, only worrying about it when you feel the vibrate. Briefly take the phone out, look at it, determine if it’s important, may put it back in your pocket, may look to your party and say “This is important, sorry, please excuse me for a bit.” (64 Pts)
  • You check occasionally to keep up to date with who’s killing what, log in, post a message to keep up the good work, then return to party. (16 Pts)
  • You barely worry about GOW, maybe checking later after the party is over, only to find that your alliance mates seriously needed you, or you’ve been zeroed. (4 Pts)
  • You turn off your phone during those times. Friends and family are more important. (Why are you even taking this quiz if THAT’S your attitude?  1 Pt)

10) In that “moment” when you realize you REALLY need to rush to go to the bathroom, how far do you get before you stop to go back for your GOW device?

  • I’ve been in the middle of dropping my pants, realized, pulled back up and ran to get device. (Legendary! 1024 Pts!)
  • I’ve been in full cheeks squeezing penguin walk, stopped, turned around, got device. (Epic!) 256 Pts)
  • I’ve luckily been able to grab my device in route as I clench the rest of my body. (64 Pts)
  • I’ve gotten to the point of sitting down, only to have to ask a family member to get my device and bring it to me. (16 Pts)
  • I’ve never gone back for my device in those circumstances. I do, however, ask a friend of family member to check my phone just in case. (4 Pts)
  • I just leave the device in the other room and don’t worry if I get a notification. (Liar! No one actually does that, do they? ) (1 Pt)

Bonus points:

Have you ever thought about resetting shields during very inappropriate times? Like in church, or during intimate times with your spouse, during the birth of a child? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you been late for an important meeting or event because you had to finish doing something on GOW, like using your full warrant time in the coliseum or finishing an inferno? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you ever bought an improved device (phone, ipad, etc) because GOW needed it? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you ever woken up practically sick over whether you had on your fighting gear while off line? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you ever had to rewind a movie or TV show more than once in a short period of time because of GOW? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you ever felt the need to sign in to GOW just to share major life events that you haven’t even told your friends and family about? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you ever been called out at work, or at a sporting event by co worker, friends or a boss for not paying attention to the world around you because of GOW? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you ever had to explain to your doctor why your finger is sore after tapping for hours for RSS? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you ever felt that real life isn’t enough like GOW? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Have you ever struggled to explain something to a non GOWer because you were using GOW references? (Like, “So, honey, I was running a rally on the wonder and an outlander ported in  2 tiles over and sent a solo at my strong hold while my hero was out for the rally. Well, I recalled the hero march and set a fake rally to throw him off, making him think my hero wasn’t home, and I ate the rally and captured the hero. I ransomed him for 30 Three day speeds and enough silver to craft a magister helm and finish my full set bonus research”)  Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Did you realize that the points for each answer follow GOW math, of each higher level is 4x the previous one? Yes=16 Pts. No=Well maybe you should go back and notice it…. 1 Pt

Have you ever logged in to GOW just a few minutes after logging out, simply out of habit. Realizing there’s nothing to do, as you did it all a few minutes ago, you start doing something else like combining or opening chests? Yes=16 Pts. No=Liar. 1 Pt

Your score.

1001-2176 Points LEGENDARY!          You have a serious GOW addiction, but at least you’re honest about it and know that this has come to define your life on many levels. Congrats. You are a true Leg Humpee!

701-1000 Points  EPIC!          You have a GOW problem, and it only MOSTLY takes over your life, with occasional moments of clarity where you realize it’s wrong to be this into GOW, only to be dragged back in.

385-700 Points  RARE!          You are likely in the most healthy place with your GOW and real life balance, taking the game seriously while also being able to handle most things in real life efficiently and effectively. Congrats!

151-384 Points UNCOMMON              You’re not playing GOW enough, and it’s likely reflected in your constant need for resources, or speed ups, or shields dropping. You care enough to be mad that these things happen, but not enough to play more, as you should.

74-150 Points COMMON          Eh. It’s likely no one in GOW even knows who you are anyway. Your own alliance likely thinks you’re someones farm brought in for transfer.

28-73 Points BASIC          I have no respect for you at all. You have lied on every question in this quiz, there is simply NO WAY you’d have read through this quiz this far, totaled your points, found this point range and thought “yeah. that’s me” unless you’re in COMPLETE DENIAL! Wake up! You REALLY need to go back and re-take this quiz, being honest this time. You need to realize that these quizzes aren’t made for YOUR entertainment, they are made for EVERYONE’S entertainment. Give it the proper respect and answer truthfully.


Please post your results in the comments below in the following format:

Hello, my GOW name is LEG HUMPER, and I am LEGENDARY!



Thank you all for reading this far,


Hero: Leg Humper

Kingdom #94 Dahae

Alliance: MGd Mad Guardians of Dahae

Current title holder and champion of the “AWESOME” and “SARCASTIC divisions.