Chronicles of Leg Humper Returns to Game of War Tips!
The next installment of the best Game of War Sarcastic Satire Blog anywhere on the planet, or elsewhere!
PART 1: Leg Humper vs. Mz, a NEW HOPE
It was a time of great depression. Game of War in Kingdom 106 and really, everywhere else too, was going through a tough time. Still disappointed by the loss of the beloved Leg Humper, the Evil Empire, MZ, was gaining power and strength as they offered Pay-for-Infernos and packs that unlocked other packs that you felt were needed if you planned to succeed at GoW life. A former GOW rally leader and part time sit-down comedian, may be the new hope for GOW to stand up against MZ, or at least make their time under the evil empires rule, slightly less boring…
It’s a rainy night (actually, it’s like 84 degrees and sunny, nice afternoon, but the setting is better when it’s dark and rainy. Not sure why. It just is.
I walk the streets aimlessly. Looking for activity. Something. Interesting.
I had recently traveled the land, looking for adventures elsewhere. I’d spent time with the Buddhist masters in a cave on the 424th highest peak in New York. All women masters by the way, thus, the name of the mountain. Google it. I’ll wait….
I’ve traversed the legendary Sarr Chasm with some mixed results…a story for another time perhaps.
I stayed at a hotel where they labeled everything by the alphabet. Like the towels were labeled a, b, c, d, and so on. The soap. The cleaning staff. Everything. While walking down toward the pool, I passed by the housekeeping headquarters and stole the 5th iron from the left. I think it’s funny. They’ll be going nuts trying to find it. I will use my “iron E” every chance I can!
But now, I find myself walking along a deserted city street. Late at night. Cold. It’s raining. Not really. But you know, ambiance.
At the far end of a side alley, I see a light and make out the sounds of music and cheering and whooping. Actual whooping. Not the fake kind.
I meander down the alley toward the lights and sounds. I tried sauntering, it’s not as easy as people think. Meandering, however, is pretty easy, likely anyone could do it without risk of injury. I’m hoping for someplace warm and bright, to offset this dark, cold, and rainy night. Yeah. It was cold too. Again. Adds to the imagery for story telling.
I arrive at the entrance and push apart the saloon style double swinging doors. The music stops. All faces turn to me. Silence.
A man in the back, face shrouded in shadows. I’m guessing, I couldn’t actually see him because, well, he was way in the back behind lots of other people. Stands up (now I can see his face. He’s good looking. Not in the way I’d be attracted to, just in that he’s not repulsive to stare at. He walks in my general direction. Remember. Lots of people here. If he walked DIRECTLY at me, he’d trip over other people.
He gets close up to my face. Takes a long inhale through his nose as if to smell my very soul. Looks into my eyes and says:
“You. I know you. Or at least I know of you. Or at least I know of stories about you. Sort of. Well. I don’t really know you I guess. Just kind of heard about you once a long time ago. You’re ‘Leg Humper’. Aren’t you?”
I assumed it was a rhetorical question, because really, who doesn’t know Leg Humper.
When he seemed like he was still waiting for an answer. And, he was still close enough to sniff my soul, I’m guessing it smelled faintly of a mix of tinfoil and the color purple. I said:
The crowd murmured. If you haven’t heard an actual crowd murmur, it’s kind of like expecting steak but they bring out jello. You bite into it and it’s not at all satisfying, but it certainly takes up space.
He says, “Well, despite the stories we’ve heard, you’re going to need to pass a few…tests…if you want to hang with us in here.”
A few in the crowd snickered at the word “tests” but not in like that evil “yeah, tests that will challenge you to the core and show if you’re man or meerkat!” I think they were laughing because when he said “tests” they thought he said “chests” and they were snickering at the synonym for boobs.
“Ok. Bring on the tests”.
Crowd: “Bring on the tests!” Two people snickered at this too.
Anonymous, somewhat good looking, mysterious man:
Test one! A Test of Will Power! ‘Common Mistakes.’
“Before you, I give you several pack choices.”
Pack 1: Contains 17 million in gold and tens of thousands of chests, mostly stuff you don’t need or can’t use with one you would surely benefit from, but not nearly enough to be effective.
Pack 2: Promises you can increase your strength and stamina and includes millions of experience (not enough to level up, but lots) and some fancy equipment to wear. It’s pretty. Pretty useless.
Pack 3: Promises you will be the champion of the Super Wonder! You won’t. But it says you will. So that’s something.
Pack 4: Promises you will be the envy of your kingdom. You get some pretty gems, medals and something called “reputation points”. Likely useless. But you never know.
The crowd is quiet and all eyes are on me. I look at each pack laid out on the tables before me. Carefully considering each one and the benefits it would afford me.
I realize this is a trick! The right answer is NONE OF THEM!
But then, I’m buoyed by the thought that I got this one right, and I blurt out:
“I buy 2 of each pack!” I couldn’t help myself. All that stuff! How can anyone say no to all that! And the crowd cheers!? Apparently that’s the same thing everyone else did.
Test 2. ‘Common Thoughts’
A simple question. The answer will matter greatly. “How many times have you quit, or threatened to quit, playing game of war?”
Whoa. I never really thought about it. I’d enjoyed the game, and really, more so, the people.
I wrote blogs. Epic tales of awesome! And, enjoyed chatting in the game with so many people. When I finally decided to walk away from the game, giving my big account to a friend and my farm system to another, I’d realized it was finally the time to quit cold turkey.
But I’d agonized over the decision for months before finally pulling the trigger, so perhaps daily for 3 months, it was a thought? But it was only one real final thought that counts?
Right? I don’t know. I’m confused. I make up a number. Blurt it out. It’s a good number. Not too high. Not too low. Apparently. It’s the Goldilocks of numbers as the crowd cheers again!
I won’t tell you the number here, as now that I know that the number works in this type of situation, I plan to use it every time I find myself in a hostile environment where I’m expected to answer questions and pass tests just to stand in a room and get out of the rain. I bet if you tried long enough, you’d be able to guess it. But I’m not telling.
Test 3, ‘Common Sense’
Common sense is NOT at all common. In fact. It’s quite rare. But at some point in history, whoever makes up names for things, like “chair” or “taint” or “shuffle” also named it “common sense” instead of the better fitted “rare sense”. Perhaps it was a public relations ploy to make more people think it was attainable and desirable. Dunno.
“It’s a KvK kill event. You see an outlander ported near you. The gear the hero is wearing is a mix of research gear and training gear. No reason anyone would ever be in this gear. You watch his helps for 3 minutes before impatience overwhelms you and you set a rally on him.
You call your alliance and they all port over and fill your rally.
A) Let the rally March! You’ll crush him because you’re powerful!
B) Cancel the rally because you might lose troops.
C) Let the rally March, then cancel before it hits because you likely forgot a boost or had the wrong troop type or some other reason.
D) Realize that THIS IS A TRAP! He’s in your kingdom, so he’s on line, don’t be an idiot. He’s trapping! Don’t even bother!!
Your answer, Leg Humper?”
Well. This ones easy. We get one kill event every month or so. So “A!” Win or lose, at least it’s action! I call out my answer. The crowd cheers!
Test 4: ‘Common Decency’
A simple yes or no question. Have you ever spoken to a person in chat in a way you would NEVER speak to a person in real life, face to face?”
Wow. This is a heck of a question. Personally, as Leg Humper, I believe I’ve never really lied to anyone. I’m a master of sarcasm and goofing around in a way that is intended to be harmless and not hurtful.
Usually I can’t lie. If someone takes my joke seriously or seems to take offense to something I say, I immediately apologize or attempt to explain. I have witnessed amazingly offensive and rude comments in chats, and have occasionally tried to diffuse some of them with humor or bringing the attention on to myself with self deprecating, or self defecating humor as I like to call it, as it’s like I’m basically making myself look like poop.
So for the most part, I believe I’m pretty much the same person in chat as I am in person. I try not to offend, try to be truthful, try to be fun. I’m about to yell out my answer, and then I realize…..I’m a TOTAL flirt in chat, but if any of these women flirted back with me in REAL life, I’d be a complete mess. So…I have to answer yes.
I have spoken to people differently in chat than I would in real life. My flirting in chat, when translated to real life, would be me breaking out in cold sweats and being struck for a complete loss of words. I say “yes” to the crowd, and the crowd mostly looks guilty of doing the same.
“Well done sir!
Test 5: ‘Commons, Semi-Commons, and Apostrophes.’
On a scale of 1-10, how much does it bother you when someone mis-uses “you’re/your” or “their/they’re/there” or effect/affect. Or when someone says it’s a “mute point” or when someone says that they “could care less” or uses irregardless in any context or say they’ve made a “full 360” or uses literally when they SHOULD use figuratively, as I write this, someone JUST wrote “I literally got a thousand emails from the guy to get his hero back”. I asked how many he actually got. He said 3. But they were all one right after another”.
On a scale of 1 to 10. Hmm. I do enjoy poking fun when people say something like “your right” by my usual response of “my right!?” Am I bothered? Not really. It’s kind of entertaining I guess?
I call out my answer. “2!”
Expecting cheers for my amazing answer that shows I’m above the intellectual righteousness and also understand that sometimes autocorrect messes things up, but no…instead, I get peanuts and pretzel nuggets thrown at me from just about everyone in the room.
One man off to the right, my physical right, not like politically right, he stands up slowly. Puts his hand in the air as if to ask for silence. And gradually he gets it. He states to the crowd:
“For all intensive purposes, I could care less about this mute point. Theirs just two much indivisiveness amongst all y’all and its just never gonna get wear yew want it too. I defiantly want what’s best for you all. So with that, I bit you ado and will sit back down in my sitting assistance device hear below me.” He actually spoke with the typos as shown above. Without actually being there, You wouldn’t understand.
He sat. There was a stunned silence. Well, more of a confused silence, perhaps stunned by how confused they were?
While the crowd was trying to figure out what they just heard, I jumped at the chance to yell out “9!” And the crowd thought for a moment about why they were mad at me earlier and realized they must have misremembered. They didn’t cheer thunderously, as I would have liked, but more seemed like they were trying to show appreciation for my answer while fighting through a nasty migraine headache.
My mysterious somewhat attractive man-friend stared blankly at the crowd and the crazy old man who just made his speech, and sort of “snapped out of it” and returned to the present. He flippantly says “moving on”.
Insert epic battle of good vs evil here, with an ambiguous ending so that a sequel can happen but isn’t necessarily needed. Include at least one hot babe, one ugly bad guy, or at least the evil empire represented by a bad guy so we have someone to hate, because it’s hard to hate a thing. Except those hard to open plastic containers you need a sledge hammer, a jack hammer, and maybe even, as MC Hammer said, “can’t open this”. I hate those……but anyway, There WILL be a part 2 and a part 3, so please, enjoy reading this part over and over till part 2 drops, then we’ll release some DVD sets with some directors commentary and such.
Thanks for reading this far!
Harrycubed a.k.a. Leg Humper
Kingdom: #106 Kranarius